Episode 146: Parent Perspectives: Making Changes Work For Our families with Cindy Hunt

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy, USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes: Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Hey, everyone, I'm so excited to have you all here and joining us, we do our deep dive every month, and this month, we're talking about managing changes. And it can be big changes that throw us off, like, god forbid the death of somebody, or it could be a move to a whole different town or even a new country. Or it could just be I didn't get the clothes I was planning on wearing today. And that's gonna throw me off. And our kids would be like, No, I'm not wearing that. It's like, oh, okay, so how do we help our kiddos and ourselves manage change? 

So before we get started with our awesome guest, I just want to remind everyone that Romen is Bigger is still available. You can get it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, it's even on Walmart's website, you can buy it online. So it's a lot of fun. It's just a book about a little guy who has big feelings. So he is bigger than mad, and he is bigger than happy. And he is trying to find the right words. So it's a vocabulary book. It's an emotions book. But we also have in the back, because I am a retired teacher, there is a lesson plan for teachers to use in their classroom. And we also have a parent page with different activities that you can do to help expand your child's vocabulary. Because we know that that is a huge thing in our kids and have them having success in education. So the more words they have, you know, nothing's guaranteed, but the more likely it is that they're going to do very well in school. So that's it. And there's not a cute picture. Such a cute picture. I know I have the best illustrator Nadia Colpack, who lives in Ukraine. I won't go into her story, but it is amazing. So anyway, yeah, get the book support both of us. And I have a new book that's going to be coming out end of summer, so we'll talk more about that later. But let's get started on this great topic that we have right now. So we're talking about managing change. And this is my parent perspective episode for the month. So every month, I have just a wonderful in the ditches mom and dad, who is raising kids right now and how we work that in our own home in real life. So our guest today comes to us from Reno, Nevada, and Cindy Hunt. Welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here.

Cindy Hunt  3:00  
Thank you for having me.

DJ Stutz  3:01  
Oh, you're welcome. So Cindy, why don't you tell our guests or not our guests, our listeners, your my guests, a little bit about your family and the ages of your kids and all of that. So my

Cindy Hunt  3:14  
family is originally from Salt Lake and we relocated to Reno a few years ago. And I have three daughters. I have an 11 year old, an eight year old and a six year old. Oh,

DJ Stutz  3:27  
fun. So you're in it, man. You're yet yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, you know, one of the things and so I've got five kids, and five different personalities, I'm sure you've picked up on that with your family. And so some kids manage change a little easier than others. My daughter, Rocky the people who listen to the podcasts, they hear all these stories about the kids. So Rocky, the middle one, and she was very easygoing, with with things, although as she got older, she did tend to have more anxiety about things going right. And then I've got other kids who it was their way or the highway. And then I've got other kids who I don't really care about anything like the boys mostly. As long as I'm out having fun, I'm good. And so it's just interesting to see the different personalities that come does that come into play with your kids and your family?

Cindy Hunt  4:27  
Um, absolutely. I definitely have a couple of different personalities I have one that change gives her a little bit of anxiety and another pretty like even keel go with the flow type person and then another that just really loud about what she thinks if she's cool with it, or if she's not like we all know. So there's some variety in there. Yeah.

DJ Stutz  4:49  
And so I guess let's start out with what are the hardest parts then for your kids to try and manage with change and it can be like you said you just moved from saw Lake to Reno. And so

Cindy Hunt  5:02  
it was a few years ago. But yeah, okay,

DJ Stutz  5:05  
well, I don't know how old your kids were really at the time. But how did that manage with them making new friends?

Cindy Hunt  5:15  
I would say at the time they were, they were too young to really like, it was long enough ago that they were pretty young. But as far as like, in general, any other like big changes, because we all deal with those. I think each of them had different reactions, each of them had different ways that we had to address their needs and the things that they were maybe feeling and addressing those and then moving forward with them, you

DJ Stutz  5:39  
bring up such a really important point, and we've talked about it a little bit, but just how you have to address it kind of differently with each child according to their own personality. And I think that there are things that we can do as parents and you know, this, but if we know something's coming up, we can kind of prepare them for totally what's coming up. So what are some of the things maybe that you do to help prepare your kids, when you know that there's a change that's going to come up?

Cindy Hunt  6:09  
I feel like simple conversations go a long way with a little bit of mental preparation goes a long way with kids, depending on the timeframe, or what kind of change you're talking about, it could be something that you're like, talking about pretty frequently. And obviously, as the changes coming your way, this is what's going to happen. This is our plan, I feel like part of talking about change is talking about the change itself, but then a plan and some potential solutions to what might come up in the plan or things that might happen. So that they're mentally prepared for whatever might be coming type situation. So I feel like some of that, and they may not necessarily need it, depending on the situation, or depending on what happens. But talking about I think, for example, my daughter that has a little bit more anxiety over change, talking about potential, me to just get so worried about potential. And I'm like, Okay, well, what's the solution to this? And, and how do you address? If that's what happens? What do you do? And then if that next thing happens, what do you do, and obviously, not all of them are going to happen, maybe one or two. But being able to walk through the situation in her brain can calm her anxiety over the potential change, or in the long run than the change?

DJ Stutz  7:22  
I think you brought up some really important and amazing points in that, talking to them ahead of time, but then problem solving in preparation as well. So what are some potential things that could happen? And so how would we handle that? And letting them contribute to that conversation to to say, Well, that might happen? What would you do if that happened? And you know, and as they get a little older to, you know, once they hit about five, you can start having more of these conversations where, well, what do you think you should? Well, instead of me telling them and then they're going to add on to it, you brought up such a great point with that, and then having those conversations ahead of time and planning out. So one of the things that I really advocate with my coaching, is having a weekly family meeting, whether I don't care what you call it, but you plan like the same time every week, but it's when people are calm, that they're really able to process and learn new things. And so if they're in the middle of panic, really honestly, some of the best things we can do is either kind of ignore it and let them work through it on their own depending on the personality of the child, or do what we can to help calm them down. And we know some of the things about our child that tasks and skills that might help them or just a lovey help them call them to, but we can practice it away from being in the middle of the whatever term on it. This works for all kinds of things from Sibling arguing, right to making a new friend to whatever if we can practice that. And we have that ability to work with that. And I think that's a great opportunity for our kids to learn and understand more. So I'm so glad that you brought that up. And then that's one of the things and then sometimes it's a change that, you know, nobody can help. It just happens. Birthday party gets cancelled. It's not that big of a deal. But to their kids, it can be a big deal. And sometimes it's just that I have this huge storm came in and we can't get through or it's your friend's birthday, but her little brother just fell and broke his leg we got to run. So we've got to cancel real quick. And sometimes when they don't have that for warning, notice that of the change and it comes on them really quick. I'm not known for for I've gotten a lot better. It's only taken me like decades to get to where I can manage those. I get everything ready, get everything prepared, and then something happens and everything I did was for nothing right. And right and so for our kiddos they have less time And to have practiced it. And so how do you help them through that?

Cindy Hunt  10:04  
I think in the heat of the moment changes, um, can obviously bring a range of emotions. But one of the things we try to focus on is either let it go like, Okay, let it go. Like, there are things that happened to all of us that we don't expect, and we don't like or that we do like, like there's changes, you either have to let it go or move on, or make the best of it. So some of the things that mean, talked about like canceled things, like you were mentioning are things that end up with upset kids, you can then flip the script as a parent to instead of this is such a crappy situation into let's do this, because now we can't do this, we actually can now do this. And so it totally flips the script in their brain to say, look at all the things that while it's a bummer, we actually now get to do that, which I feel like I tried to embrace with my kids, because there's so many things, so many opportunities and fun things out there that while one letdown happens, it may open the door to 20 other fun thing, which for a kid, learning how to guide them through that perspective. It's something that we really embrace. And

DJ Stutz  11:19  
what a great way I mean, that feeds into so many other topics, too, is topics that we're going to be discussing throughout the year, even with ours, but even like finding joy in the moment, right? Oh, the sad thing happened and what I wanted, but I can find joy because guess what I had this time blocked out anyway, let's do something else that's fun, or finding gratitude or persevering. All this bump in the road came. But now I'm going to work on this other way and not let things get in the way of us growing and developing and reaching out. And so that's such a great attitude to help our kids develop and sounds like you're doing just great with that. Right?

Cindy Hunt  11:56  
Well, thank you. It's, it's fun, it's fun to see them, then kind of jump on board. Because obviously I feel like kids lead by I mean, Chain Reaction into your example. And so it's fun to lead and then see them follow like the the actual change in their behaviors, because you're the one that's leading it, sometimes, then I see them do it on their own, obviously, just because they're learning. So it's a fun process to watch in general.

DJ Stutz  12:25  
And you brought up another great point, I keep saying, Oh, this is such a great point. You're such a great guest to have on. But I think to your leading it, I'm the leader of my family, right. And so if kids are falling apart, you know, and every kids have different strengths and weaknesses, and whatever. But I think first looking at myself and saying, How am I handling this change? Or how do I handle other small changes in our life? What are my kids seeing when there's something doesn't work out? Even if we go on vacation, and we wanted to see this? Oh, it's closed or this right is closed or something happened that we're not able to see that? And sometimes parents just go like, I can't believe we came all the way here or whatever. And, and we can have our own little meltdown. And our kids like, oh, I can do that. Yeah. And so I think sometimes sitting back and saying, before we even really talk is how am I feeling inside checkers belly, the things we tell our kids to do, right? Yeah. How's your belly feeling? How are your shoulders and what's going on with how I'm reacting, take a breath, blow it out, stomp your feet if you need to, and then say, All right, we're going to do something different. Totally, totally. Yeah. And I think to another thing is when we verbalize how we're going through that process. We're really talking to anybody but the air, but I did anyway. Right? But I'm just saying, oh, man, I'm feeling really upset that this didn't work out. I need to take a breath and figure out what else we're going to do. And if they can see us verbally walking ourselves through that process. They're going to learn that process on their own too. Right?

Cindy Hunt  14:15  
Absolutely.

DJ Stutz  14:16  
Absolutely. Yeah. And so now let's talk for a minute though about some of these. And I don't know if you've had any of the big ones but like when my dad died, my kids were all very, very close to him. It was very sudden and unexpected. And so my oldest was 14 but I still have littles do and it was really hard talking to them about this change that I was going to happen in their lives and they call them grandfather and it fit him so perfectly but we're not going to have that time with him anymore. He was such a great granddad and and the kids felt so much love from him, you know, how do you help them understand a huge change? Maybe like that, and I don't know if you've experienced it or if you thought about how you would do it. It's going to call

Cindy Hunt  15:02  
man, that's tricky. Yeah, that's tricky. I don't know, I feel like the big changes are something that's longer than a moment. And it's some of the things you're talking about would be more of like a sudden change. And I feel like those you have to address sure when it happens and give your best solutions. But you're probably also going to be going through changes yourself. And I feel like taking your kids through the steps of whatever change you're experiencing, will help them process those big changes, too. And I can't say that we've ever had anything as quite the same as far as those big changes. But I do feel like they are a longer processing type situation kind of turns into a I don't know, I feel like the lifelong change that you kind of have to go through. And your kids through some of the bigger changes, and that it's okay to experience whatever they're experiencing and problem solve each of those as they come up.

DJ Stutz  16:01  
Right. Yeah. And to, you know, if they're at different ages, the relationship with whatever that is, whether it's a connection to a school, and now we're moving in, you're going to have to go to a new school, some kids who have been there for a while, a kid in kindergarten, it's not going to be as big a deal as maybe it's their junior year in high school. Right? Right. It's a much bigger deal, right? And right, and that can even go with relationships to where Christian didn't have as much time on Earth with Grandfather. You know, he loved him and whatever. But Candace, my oldest at 14, it really affected her heart. And it took us a while to help her be able to verbalize what was going on. And sometimes with our little kids, they don't have the language to express. I'm more than sad when there's a packet or book but the words I have don't match what's really going on inside how I feel. And so that's when I think you're going to start seeing more things like the withdrawal, the temper tantrums, the changes in how they look at relationships. So I worked with this one family that they had, it wasn't a grandparent, I think it was an aunt, it might have been a cousin. It's been a couple years, who died. But it was very, super, super close to the family. And the four year old was really struggling. And as we worked with that child and help them to find that language, it came out that if my cousin can die or aunt or whatever, you know, can die and leave. What about my mom? What about my sibling? Right? And so there was that unsure at the he became very upset if anyone was gone for too long or whatever. Because this person died. That just I guess it kind of opened their eyes at a very young age of How stable is my life? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so it's hard to work them through all of that. And I think that's a time to if you're seeing some of those things. It's important and good to get some help. Yeah,

Cindy Hunt  18:14  
absolutely. I feel like any sort of like red flagging type behavior that feels out of the norm, or ensure a parent can get additional help is definitely a good resource. Yeah,

DJ Stutz  18:28  
for sure. And I think to understanding that I've heard parents sometimes say, Oh, they're young, oh, they're young, they'll be fine. No tears because they don't have the words or whatever to express what's going on as well as an older child doesn't mean that they're not being affected. And in fact, we know what the study, so tons of studies out there, but things that happen even in that first year of life, they are not going to cognitively remember, but that feeling of lack of security or even food security or safety or relationships and feeling loved and all of that, that first year of life actually has lifelong repercussions or benefits. You you'll be 70 years old and still may be dealing with something that happened in those first few years of life that you don't really remember it but your body will react to certain that's where our triggers actually will come from. Something triggers us and we're not sure why it triggers us. But it does. And so that's a place to look so I would say we don't want to discount the experience of our of our really, littles. Oh, they're young. Right? Yeah. So there we are with that. And then two, I think there's these moderate changes that take place where maybe they have a change of a teacher in the middle of the school year or even towards the end. I've my one of my grandson's is in kindergarten and just two weeks ago, he got A new teacher just this so late in the year, and he's doing fine with it. And he's, she's nice. You know, this one's okay. But you want to be sure that you're talking to him, but there's those moderate things a friend moves away, didn't die, but they moved away. Yeah. And so what are some things maybe that you would do with these moderate changes in that occur in life. Um,

Cindy Hunt  20:22  
I mean, I had a daughter that similar had a teacher change, she hasn't had any close friends move away. But none of the changes, I feel like, even though I do feel like kids as they get older, well, at least my kids feel like they have bigger emotions to the changes. Yeah, just by nature of their life experience. So they, I mean, my oldest, did get more upset than I would expect my younger children to get upset. And I don't know if that's just my kids, or if it's just across the board, but there was some lengthy emotions, and it took weeks of, hey, let's figure this out. It's okay to be sad, you can go still see your teacher, she just moved to a different job, you can still go chat. But give your new teacher a chance to see what happens. It is only day two. So let's take it a day at a time and process what you're feeling and how to maybe fix that to the best of our ability. And then what are we going to do to move forward right? In even if it's not really big steps forward, I feel like change can just need time. And being patient with Yeah, this is really uncomfortable. And I really don't like it and being able to be okay with that. And be like, it's actually okay, to be like that for a little bit. Yeah, nothing has to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. But let's move forward and find maybe one or two good things about it, or something else that is currently good. And you just are gonna kind of take it a day at a time and move one step forward in any other way that you can. And then things by nature, just slowly take shape, and move into a more comfortable. But in general, with change, I have no, there's a lot of people that just don't love change. My kids, I feel like are pretty flexible. But at some point, they don't like change, because they get pretty set on. This is how I want it to look and how I want it to feel. And I feel like giving time time is usually I feel like a big factor in change that it doesn't have to be the way you thought it was supposed to be to still be good. So while your previous class was great with this teacher, that's not the only good out there. And it turns out in this frame of her giving a new teacher, the new teacher that she had the second half of the year turned into her favorite teacher she's ever had. So in hindsight, then having a conversation about that, that while you think it's good, that change might actually be better, you just don't know. And so taking time to be patient with the uncomfortable to see what comes out of it can actually be better. And a bigger blossom or a bigger win or a bigger excitement, even though it takes going lower before you can actually feel better. Yeah. And

DJ Stutz  23:29  
such a great lesson to teach our kids and recognizing that some kids are going to need to sit in that I'm really sad or miss my teacher, I'm whatever, and be okay with that everyone grieves in their own way. And so giving them some time to be that and I think sometimes too, is not jumping in to solve every problem. Yeah. And letting them in all eyes like, you are amazing. And I'm excited to hear your ideas on how you're going to manage this. You know, if you come at it more with that kind of like our Oh, get over it, there's a difference in that, Oh, get over it, or, yeah, this is a big deal. And I'm really interested in seeing or hearing what you're going to do. And I'm not telling them what to do or how to get over it. But I'm showing that I have trust in them, that I have faith in them, I believe in them, whatever. And so you're building confidence with them. I

Cindy Hunt  24:32  
actually feel like that's one of the hardest things for me because I'm typically a fixer and I feel like when kids are little, you fix all the problems pretty easy. I feel like it's really difficult for me as a parent to give a little bit of space and be able to let my child sit with an unhappy feeling that I can't necessarily fix. And yes, I can cheer her up or make her happier. But I also can't Don't necessarily fix that. I feel like that's one of the more difficult parts to parenting. I think to me anyway.

DJ Stutz  25:06  
Yeah, well, I think you've just heard a lot of parents, and for some more than others, perhaps. But I think, too, that that's us dealing with change, my child is growing up and doesn't need me as much as they used to, and understanding that there's a joy that comes in, at least for me there was in helping my child through something, right, or fixing something. And they're like, Oh, thanks, mom, and you feel good about it. But at the same time, there's a joy that comes from stepping back and saying, let me see if they need me right. Now. Let me see if I can work it out. Yeah, that really change for a parent to go through. And so as our children change, we're dealing with the change as well. And yeah, and sometimes it's harder, sometimes they're testing out their independence. And so you know, when you drop them off at school, and they'd give you a kiss, and hey, honey, and have a good day, and, and then they're like, Don't kiss me, oh, not in front of my friends, or whatever. And it's like, Oh, that hurts. And that's a change that I have to deal with. And, yeah, and it's normal for them to do that. And so I get that in and I have some tricks and things that I do with my parent coaching to help parents as we get into those stages, and some kids get into it pretty early on. And then other kids are more clingy as later and later. And so it's looking at the individual development and growth of the kids and allowing them to be where they are, instead of saying, Oh, you're five, you shouldn't be doing this. Oh, you're 10 you should be doing this. But just, you know, where are you? Because everyone's different. That's why I get into like nuts about early expectations on kids, academic expectations that are too early for kids, because we start labeling them, right. If they're not reading by the end of kindergarten, we're going to label them as behind, and we're gonna pull them out of their classroom and first grade to go with the reading specialist. And that has an effect to on our kids. So yeah, and so too, then I think it's hard to get to a point where you're saying, Oh, you look outside, and he's your child's in an argument with their neighbor, friend, or whatever. And your thing is to run right out and jump right in. And as a parent, that's, that's a hard change to do. When you're like, Oh, I'm just gonna watch and see how this works out. And I'll jump in if there it comes to fisticuffs, but I guess they're just yelling at each other, while I'm trying to work it out. But that's so hard for me as a parent to allow them that independent, it is really cool.

Cindy Hunt  27:52  
But when you start seeing, I mean, I feel like when you're in the middle of the change in general, I feel like there's these little glimpses of these moments that are like you have this moment. And I'll have one of my kids that says, I did XYZ. And I'm like, That's not like, it's these little moments where it's like a turn back or Mom, this is what I did about it. And I love seeing them be in a slow shift of independence as well. It's pretty rewarding itself. Yeah, to while difficult for me to see them solve their own problems, or tell me how they did something or how they handle the situation. That is really cool, too. Yeah,

DJ Stutz  28:32  
so much so and think about the life that then we're opening the door to when we give our children the chance to manage some of these things on their own. I'm here if you need me, totally here. But let's see if you really need me, you know, kind of thing. And we see the results of adults who never had to solve a problem in their lives. Because parents jumped in and fix it. All right, it's the teachers fault, or it's the coach's fault, not your kids just not that talented in this sport. It's okay. It's totally okay. To be average, average is awesome, right? But we all have this thing where we want our kids to be the best at this or that, and we'll push it and make excuses. And instead of just letting the kid work through it and say, Oh, you'll figure it out. And if at the end of the season, we don't want to do this anymore. We won't do it anymore. We'll find something else to do. But just giving them that opportunity. And then as they get older, then they become actual real problem solvers and not I'm so sanded by whatever. You've got this you're good. Yeah. Or do you need help? Do you want me to help you come up with some ideas? And I think too, so I have a son in law named Peter. And it's fun Liz sitting and talking to him. And he was talking about how he does this bike riding, you know, he's a mountain biker granite guy. And he's got these friends that he goes with. And some of them are older than he. And he was talking to me one time about how it really made him stop and think when some of these older guys and now their kids are teens. I wish I'd sat and listened to my kid more when they were younger, you know, and just let them talk instead of just jumping in and getting to know them more. It was interesting. I have this. We're very proud of him that he picked up on that. But yeah, exactly. Great insight. Great insight. So Cindy, do you have anything that you'd like to share on things you do, or things you'd like to get out there things that our listeners might be interested in? or contacting you? Or?

Cindy Hunt  30:48  
I, I run a photography business? That is what I do. You are my I'm a photographer.

DJ Stutz  30:54  
Awesome. And you're in the Reno area. Correct? Okay, so if you're listening, and you need a photographer, Cindy's the one to call? Yep. And doing great family photos or event photos? Sure, that would be so much fun. Well, Cindy, before we go, I always ask my guests the very same question. And so we know that there are no perfect parents, hence the title of our of our show Imperfect Heroes, but some parents are more successful than others. So as you look around, how do you describe a successful parent?

Cindy Hunt  31:34  
I think a successful parent is one that shows up for their kids, and is there to support them lead by example. And they're to have a good time. I feel like if parents can have fun, kids can have fun. And the environment that they're growing up in is fun and positive. And conducive to learning. I feel like life lessons are in and out of every situation. And if it's fun, life doesn't seem so daunting. So

DJ Stutz  32:02  
yeah, absolutely. And it's the same thing in a classroom. If we can make learning fun, we're going to have more success. Same thing, totally. If we can make these events more fun and engaging. We're going to have more success. And just letting our kids know that they mean a lot to you. Absolutely. Yeah. And so I just know, people who grew up in thought my parents were always disappointed in me, or Yeah, I was always in trouble. And it does affect them as they go on. So as we can make things fun and engaging and inclusive.

Cindy Hunt  32:38  
Yes, if they feel like at the end of the day, the only thing they know for me is that I love them. That's all that matters. Absolutely.

DJ Stutz  32:44  
Absolutely. Well, listen, guys, if you love what you hear in today's show, go ahead and give us a rating and review. Five stars is the appropriate number of stars. And too if you want to get online and ask some more questions or pass them questions along to Cindy. So on Instagram and Facebook, I have a page on both it's Imperfect Heroes podcast. And so you can just go there and drop your thoughts or post a question and we'd love to hear from you. So next week, we will continue it will be our last of the four episodes on managing change. And so until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you later guys.

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