Visit for parenting workshops, parent coaching & children's activities!
Oct. 24, 2022

Episode 70: When the Kids Have Lost Their Minds with Bailey Olsen

Episode 70: When the Kids Have Lost Their Minds with Bailey Olsen

In this episode, Bailey Olsen is back to talk about what to do when the kids have lost their minds from being overstimulated and the tantrums or outbursts that ensue.  Listen in as she and DJ discuss your own behavior while the meltdown is happening,  how to handle your child’s big emotions during the occurrence, how to prepare for the next incident and a few things you can do after the fact to turn the situation into a learning moment for your little one.

Bailey is a second and third grade elementary school teacher and just like our beloved host (who she happens to be related to), Bailey has a passion for teaching children. When Bailey isn’t performing her favorite job of them all, wife and mother, she serves as gymnastic coach which has been a passion since she was a young girl.

• [7:30] “I'm so much more calm. I get upset less. I am better at defusing these meltdowns…”
• [10:58] “It is just staying calm myself, and looking at the positives. What are some alternatives?”
• [23:14] DJ discusses the frustration that occurs when your young child really wants something but doesn’t have the vocabulary to express it.
• [25:45] Bailey suggests, as a sensory release when a child is angry, to have them stomp their feet as hard as they can…

For more information on the Imperfect Heroes podcast, visit:

Connect with Us!

DJ Stutz -
DJ Stutz:


DJ Stutz  0:13  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA. You're listening to Episode 70 of Imperfect Heroes, Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz. And today is episode 70. And that means Bailey Olsen is back. And I love my conversations with Bailey. Today, we are talking about things that you can do when your child just totally loses it. So what are some things you can do during what some things you can do beforehand to maybe set things up a little better? And maybe some things you can do afterwards? So I always love my conversations with Bailey. Let's listen in.

Hey, everyone, welcome back to Imperfect Heroes podcast, and today is episode 70. If you can believe it, it's gone so fast. And 70 happens to end in a zero. So that means Bailey Olsen is back. Hey Bailey, How are things going?

Bailey Olsen  1:42  
So good. Life is going really good. It's busy as per usual. And you know, the holidays, it always gets really busy around that time. So

DJ Stutz  1:52  
I can't believe we're even talking about holidays. Right now.

Bailey Olsen  1:56  
I know, I was just talking to my kids actually the other day. And they were saying I can't believe this year went by so slow. And I was like, I can't believe this past to not believe already here.

DJ Stutz  2:10  
That's crazy. It's insane. Now you need to give us some updates, because I know some new things have come in. You're competing in gymnastics again.

Bailey Olsen  2:22  
Yes, I am getting into Netflix again. Okay, so if you if you haven't heard me before, I'm 33 years old. And I used to be a very competitive gymnast. I competed in level 10, which is the level right before the Olympian level. So like I was level 10, and then elite, and I was level 10 gymnast. And then I also did in college for a bit. And I've been coaching it for the past seven years, and was talking to a couple of gymnasts. They're like you should do it again. And anyways, there's a program that doesn't have an age limit. And I was like, you know? Sure. At first, it sounded a little crazy. But then we decided, you know, what might not just when am I going to have this opportunity again? So here we are. And I'm excited. And I'm score. I'm really sore. But it's good thing.

DJ Stutz  3:19  
Yeah. Well, and I love the story about how your daughter Riley, tried to talk you into doing it. Can you share that?

Bailey Olsen  3:27  
Yes. Okay, so the gymnast started saying you should do it with us. And I just laughed at them. And I was like, That would be so funny. And then the coach of that particular level was like, actually, you really cut you should. And I just laughed at her. And then I went home and told my kids and my husband this funny story. My daughter, by the way, she's eight and she's a competitive gymnast, as well. She's level three. And she was like, Mom, you have to you have to please. So she's really the one that encouraged this and made me feel a little less ridiculous. Going into it. I mean, even there was an expensive competition that I could sign up for that I'd already signed her up for. And then she was like, Mom, are you going to come to the me in South Carolina? And I said, Well, I'm gonna come there, but I'm off. I'm gonna compete. It's expensive. And she was like, you can have money from my piggy bank. Mom, you can take all the money by giving you have to. Okay, I guess we're doing this.

DJ Stutz  4:31  
You're doing it? Well, and what a sweet thing for her to want to give up and to be helped you be a part of something you love to do

Bailey Olsen  4:40  
this very sweet of her and made me feel like I do a lot of things wrong in my life. Okay, and I do a lot of things wrong and parenting. But the fact that you know, she wanted me to be a big part of her sport that she's doing and that she was willing to sacrifice so that I could do it. It did make me feel like oh, I've got something right with her

DJ Stutz  4:59  
here. Yeah. And I see that you talk about making mistakes. But that's what it's all about. We all make mistakes. And sometimes we take a situation and make it worse. But that's just part of the human experience. And that's why it's imperfect heroes, is because we are all truly imperfect. I think the difference is whether we learn from our mistakes, or if we keep making the same ones over and over again,

Bailey Olsen  5:29  
yes, like Lion King, right? When the bamboo comes and hits him in the head, and he says, it's in the past, you can either learn from it or not. And then he tries to hit him again. And he learns from it, he stops the stick that time doesn't get it, or he does.

DJ Stutz  5:48  
I can't remember, it's been a while. Well, I'm talking about mistakes and how we move things with our kids, kind of leads us into our big topic for today. And we were going to talk about handling those really big tantrums, whether they're at home or at the grocery store. Kids have them at school. And so sometimes you're not even there. When the big tantrums happen. They could be in a preschool program, they could be in elementary school. So how do we manage these big emotions where they get to where the child is completely out of control? Now, I'll share a little bit. So we're recording this at the end of September. And we are finishing we've had our two of our grandkids, ages seven, and four, for the whole week while their parents are out of town out of the country even. And so it's been kind of engaging for me, because I've been a teacher for a long time. I just got out at ACC game. But full time parenting. It's been a long time. And so you wonder, Am I just speaking out of touch, putting some of those back into place this week. It's been kind of fun, because they are working. Of course, they're amazing kids. They're really well behaved, easy kids to have around. But now I remember this week why people have kids when they're young.

Bailey Olsen  7:23  
I feel that and I'm only 33. And I'm like, I'm just getting so old. I don't know if I

DJ Stutz  7:30  
would be great if I could have the energy of my 20s and 30s. And the wisdom of me and whatever decade I'm in have some kind of meeting in the middle. I think that would have been great. I'm so much more calm. I get upset less. I am better at defusing these meltdowns. So the little girl who is for AG. She has those big personalities, big emotion. I've been putting that into work and feeling pretty good about myself this week, though.

Bailey Olsen  8:08  
So tell us what that looks like. What does it look like when she's having a meltdown and freaking out? What are some things that you found that have worked or maybe even didn't work?

DJ Stutz  8:16  
Yeah, I think for me, because she will take it out on her brother Sylvan. And Sylvan is so patient. I've never seen him hit her or hit her back, even though she probably deserved it. She gets mad, and she'll just lash out physically. So we've talked about in the call times just what an amazing brother Sylvan is. And in fact, she has a favorite cousin who's the same age, they do a lot of things together. And that cousin has an older brother. And a couple of days ago, she was saying, Sylvan is such a good brother, and he's a much better brother, than cousin. And I said, Oh, what makes him a better brother. He plays with me, he shares with me. And so I think having those conversations so even this morning, she was mad at him. We're on the way to school. I'm dropping them off at school. And she got so mad at her brother in the back bit, just because he didn't say something the right way. She picked up her backpack and threw it for stills like and here I am driving. So I just set Oh, what am I hearing and Sylvan said she threw her backpack out me. Why do you think she did that? Well, she's mad at me. Is that true, Ingrid? She says, Yeah, I threw my backpack. She was honest with and then I said, Well, why would you do that? And she was mad. She didn't like the way he said something. And he says, I don't like him. And I said, Oh, that's so sad because I truly love him. I said, Do you remember when We were talking about what a great rather Silvan is. And of course, she's like, No. So I just remember we said this, and we said that and so how can we handle it when we don't like what Sylvan says, and she said, Well, I could tell him, I don't like that. Yeah, you can, or we can just be okay with it. But as we were talking about some of the things that we've said before, and so I think having those calm conversations ahead of time, so that there's something that we can bring, to her recollection, really help, but she gets upset a few times a day. But it's funny that at the end and will calm down, and she'll say, I'm still trying, I'm trying hard not to have tempers. Okay, well, I'm glad you're try. We'll keep working on it. But it just staying calm myself, and looking at the positives. What are some alternatives? And then there have been a couple of times where we've just had to do something, and she starts putting your feet in. And so we're like, they, we got to do it. But it's nice. They're in karate, or I don't know, dojo. They just call it dojo. I think it's multiple martial art things. Is it so what does Michelle say? If you don't want to do something, and then both ag and Sylvan will say, do it anyway.

That's helped, too. So what are some of the things that you do? I know your children are perfect as well?

Bailey Olsen  11:49  
Oh, yeah, my children are perfectly come over to my house, and you'll see her fake children. Always. My house is always spotless. I never lose my temper my kids never meet. Always blissful, especially getting out the door to school that's just quiet and happy. We can give hugs and seeing Disney songs. Oh, no, it's stressful. It's it's a crapshoot, half the time getting out the door. So my daughter, she has big emotions, but they're quiet, big emotions. And my son has big emotions. And they're last year he, whatever he feels, he feels really strongly. So minor, six and eight, almost a six year old is almost seven. And he will get really, really mad and physical, just like you said, in fact, in his prayers, every time in his prayers, He says, Please help me not to hit punch, bite or grab. There's a reason that I'm praised for every time working on not getting punching, biting or grabbing. Granted, he has not been hurt in a long time. But hitting and punching and grabbing happens, unfortunately, a good amount at our house. So something that helps me first of all, when he gets really upset, he's gotten better through the years, but especially when he was younger, when he would get really upset. He would just run around this affiliate only. So there's not a lot you can do to like, Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. You're getting down on his level saying I'm so sorry. You feel that it doesn't work. It simply doesn't work. Also yelling at them. Stop it right now. Yeah, it escalates it. So for him, we used to have to just grab his arms and hold them to his side. And tell him like I couldn't even leave them in his room. He would push all the things on his dresser and like, slam his rocking chair and wall.

DJ Stutz  13:53  
My shyly did that too. Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you're saying.

Bailey Olsen  13:57  
Yeah. So I couldn't even like say, go sit in your room until you calm down. I had to be there with him. So I'd sit down and I just kind of hold his arms there. And he would get mad. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. And then I would just have to say right now you're not safe. You're not making choices that are safe. And I love you too much to let you go right now. Because I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself or somebody else. Once you are calm enough. I can leave you in your room by yourself. But right now I cannot say I'm afraid you'll hurt yourself or somebody else.

DJ Stutz  14:27  
And then call those monster hugs. Yeah, that's,

Bailey Olsen  14:31  
that's a good way to put it. And then he would take a couple deep breaths and then he would come down and he'd say, Okay, I need some alone time. And then I'd give him alone time. And if I hear her crashing, I'd go back in there and tell them some more. But then honestly, for us, I found the biggest thing is actually they don't need me to talk to him. Anything that I say goes nowhere. It means absolutely nothing besides when they're saying Get off me Get off me. Let me go go. Then I I can say to them, I can't let you go because you're not being saved. And I want to be great right now. And then usually once they calm down, typically for me, I like to just go up there and say, hey, we'll talk to me about what happened. You were really upset. Tell me what happened. Usually, I already knew what happened. And talk through it. Well, Riley didn't want to come and play well, I wanted to play and we always play what she wants to play. And she never does what I wanted to do. So I got mad. And I'm like, Ah, that sounds super frustrating. So if we're mad at somebody, what should we do? And I tried to focus it on what is what is acceptable behavior, rather than Don't, don't, don't, don't don't. Over I mean, as an adult, when I'm upset about something if I come home, because someone made me not at work, and I come home and tell my husband about it, and he's like, Well, you shouldn't have and you shouldn't have you shouldn't have. And I'm not at him to. I'm just, I'm just more mad. So why am I going to do that to my kids? If I already know that, that makes me upset. So I try and focus on what are acceptable behaviors? What should we do with her that we'll talk about? Tell her that I don't like that. Take some time alone, take some deep breaths, come and talk to mom about it, whatever our coping mechanism is there. And then we say, so did we make those choices? Is that what we did? No. Okay, so you, you got really upset, and he made some choices that were kind of scary for everybody. So what can we do to fix it? How do we need to fix the situation, and oftentimes, it's an apology, or if you knock things over the receptacle, or knocked something that she made over or broke something, he's got to fix them or clean up, you know, whatever mess was made through the tantrum. And I mean, for us, that helps a lot. But then I always try to still give him the opportunity to express only why he was upset afterwards. Now that you've apologized for your reaction, now that you fixed it, right, you can say, I was upset, and I shouldn't have acted that way. But this is why I was upset. Next time when you change the situation is it really made me feel sad, weren't listening to me, and my daughter doesn't. And she isn't about it. She's just quietly sneakily about it. So for us, that has seemed to be a good, I'm just trying to get them to be a little more gentle in the way. Right. They have these huge tantrums.

DJ Stutz  17:34  
What do you think about and I didn't do this as well, when I was mom, raising kids. It's funny, my husband, because he's working from home now. So he's got the dining room table all set up with his monitors and all this stuff. And he's working there. And so when my kids were little though he was off to the office. He was putting in between 60 and 100 hours in a week. It was very rarely home. And so I was doing all of it alone. He's been observing this week. And he was saying, Wow, that's a lot of work and a lot of running around. And he mentioned the laundry. And I said, Yeah, but there's only two kids. We were racing for. And then the fifth came much later. And I said and you were gone all the time. And yeah, no, I couldn't have done that.

Bailey Olsen  18:30  
Yeah, I mean, we just have the two and with pre COVID. My husband worked out of his office, and he would come home and I'd be grumpy and I'd be short with the kids. And I'd be done at that time. I'm like, No, I'm not going in there and cuddling him. I'm not I know. And he'd be like, they just want extra cuddles. They just want five more minutes. I'm like, no, they don't they want 10 more hours. They do not want five minutes. I don't have five more minutes. And he would be like, you're so grumpy. Why are you so grumpy. And I was like, because they're little stinkers. I love that. But like, drives me bonkers. And anyways, then it hit and he got to be home all day from our home office, which by the way is just up our kitchen and open to the whole house. So he got a front row seat as to how the day went. And I'll just say this much. He does a lot of our laundry and he does a lot of our dishes. And he is just as done at bedtime as and there's only two of them. I'm one of seven and the oldest of seven. I often asked him well, how did you do? Seven children? I don't know. I don't know how. And I wanted that many I wanted a zillion and it just hasn't worked out that way. But I'm like man, I don't know how to keep it going. But I will say keeping calm with it helps or when a lot of times Brody or Riley both of them do it. They'll say something like In fact, just today, when they got home from school, my son invited my daughter out to play with him. He wanted to go play outside. And he said, right, well, you can play outside with me. And she said, I said, I don't want to go outside and play. I never want to. I was like, Oh, all right. Well, let's try that one more time. We're gonna rewind and pretend that didn't happen for a minute. Let's try that again. A little bit kinder. When she said, Rudy, you know, I don't want to go outside and play with you, right? Nope, that still was not, I was just thinking, we're gonna have to try again, again. And sometimes it does take three or four times of slowing it down. But my husband and I have been trying it on each other. Because sometimes I get short, and I get snobby, sounding, and he does the same. And so especially when it happens in front of our kids, our kids will say to us, oh, try that again. And it's like, I'm gonna try this again. I'm sorry that I said that, really. Or Brody will just say straight up. You said, I can't talk like that. And you're talking?

DJ Stutz  21:14  
Well, you see,

Bailey Olsen  21:17  
you're not wrong. And I'm trying really hard to make you be better. So I will try. I get mad. My first response when he does that is I'm the mom. I can do me alone, you're not the boss. But then I remember I don't want him to act that way to me. So I say, You know what? You need to be a little more respectful when you talk to me about that, because I'm your mom. But you are right. Sorry that I am acting mean, I'm going to need about 10 minutes in my room.

DJ Stutz  21:48  
I'm going to my room.

Bailey Olsen  21:52  
That's pretty much how it goes.

DJ Stutz  21:54  
So your uncle bear, my youngest brother, Danny, when he was about 18 months old, we were living in in Idaho, I guess was almost a year. And he would get so upset and very angry. You can just imagine him as a pudgy little 18 month, two year old kid. And he was very verbal early on. No surprise there. But seven, yes. Youngest is seven and yeah. And he would do that he would say, I guide you through like he was punishing us. We're like, see, that's fine. But it's funny that he had learned that strategy, and then was using it to help him calm down, which is a good thing. Yeah, so it's possible. So we've been talking about some things that really work for kind of elementary aged kids, kindergarten, first second grade, let's talk for a minute about like two year olds, three year olds, a little preschool age kids, and what are some of the things that we can do to help them when they are having a shit. So there are a couple of things I see that happen at that age, they want something, but they don't have the vocabulary to really express that. And so they'll get very, very angry about it. And I think that happens really a lot at the twos. And then they get a little more vocabulary three, but it's still an issue at three. What are some of the things that we can do maybe with those little guys, to help them come out of it? When we're the idiots? You know, people say, Oh, the terrible twos? Well, yeah, how would you like to keep trying to explain in your head, you're explaining it perfectly. They're just not getting it. You're the idiots, right? And so that's a big part of what's going on with the emotions. With those two year olds and three year olds, they're also finding their own autonomy. And so that, wait, I can I can control this, I can do this. And they're starting to also make those associations. If I yell loud enough, I'll get what I want. And sometimes they just want to be stubborn because they're experimenting. So what are some of the things that maybe you did or

Bailey Olsen  24:24  
do so I am a big believer in even when they're too and barely verbal. I'm a big believer in still expressing it verbally to them. Even if they're not going to understand it, hold them so that they are safe if they're trying to hit or throwing themselves on the ground, depending on the situation. If you're in the grocery store. You can always sit on the ground next to them and hold them until they're done. I've done that though. Yes, there are moments when you can and if you can, I think that that's fine. They're

DJ Stutz  24:58  
around you. This Time. Yeah,

Bailey Olsen  25:01  
then they will if they weren't able to and you can make it work, then that's a great option. But it's not always possible. And sometimes you're in the doctor's office, you're trying to talk to the doctor, and they're throwing a huge tantrum. But like, this is an important conversation after doctor, you can, yeah, how's everything and put the whole, the doctors will day late. So I like to still hold them on my lap. Make sure they know I love them, tell them that I love them. And then just hold them until they can calm down. Even if I'm trying to talk to somebody. I liked talking about it a lot afterwards. Or like when they hit, you know, that's what I always ran into is I'm getting really upset, hitting, it's sensory seeking for them, they have so much frustration they need to release it. I like to suggest stomping their feet really hard. See how hard you can stomp your feet, I see you're mad, stomp your feet as hard as you can. And then honestly, I will stomp my feet as hard as I can. And then they'll giggle typically, not always. But often at first, they'll stop crying and look at me like, wait, what's wrong with this adult? Why is she acting, and then I stomp my feet even harder. And I'm like, stop if they do it, and then they feel better. And then we can sit again and talk about it. I like to just start always with, I care about you so much. If it's like a student, right? If it's my child, I'm saying I love you so much. And sad that you are feeling upset, it's not okay, to act like that. It's not okay to hit. It's not okay to punch a punch right or grab, right? It's, it's not okay to do those things. But I do want to help you when you are upset. So what do you need, and if they want magnet tiles, but another good has the magnet tiles and that's why they're throwing their fit. I just tried to re explain to them, give them alternatives to play with. And if they're stuck on magnet tiles to say okay, can we just submit it for your turn, I can sit here with you while you wait your turn. Or I can't sit here while you're waiting. You're just gonna have to wait, you can come with me. And let's go wash our hands. I've also noticed, it really helps little kids to get a drink of water. Say you're so upset, do you know where your water bottle is? Or come with me over here, let's get a drink of water that'll help you calm down a little bit. Often after taking a little sip of water, they can at least a little bit enough so that we're not flailing anymore. Those are some things that I have found. But what about you?

DJ Stutz  27:34  
Yeah, I think the water is a great thing is a really good thing. And I think at this age, they really are able to understand more than they are able to express. And so I think when you're talking to them, and actually putting a label on their emotions, I can see that you're very angry, or I can see that you're really stressed out? Or are you hungry? Are you tired, I'm looking at your eyes and you're expressing why I see your eyes are droopy, and some of the physical attributes of either being hungry or tired or whatever. And so helping them put labels on how they're feeling. I also think it's really great to take some time. And I would suggest to do it even weekly, as part of like either a family night or a family gathering or whatever, whatever your family meeting, whatever you want to call it. But to take time to say we're going to practice and you're playing with the magnet tiles and oh, I want that I'm going to come grab them from you. What are you going to do? Right? And so when they're calm, and we're practicing, and even two year olds, even though you think, Oh, they're not getting it, or they might not be doing it in the right way. We're starting to get ideas of how to handle it in the future, and practicing. And it really does work with even two year olds. So one of the things that I've done with little kids with my grandkids in my classrooms is have like a treasure box. I can go to the dollar store and find something that's very easy to use. And so we can put in pictures for two year old and three year old, they're not reading yet. You can put a picture in of I can get the timer. I can wait my turn. I can play with something else. And so they can go Oh, looks like we need to treasure box. Treasure bags because they just love the sound of that. And so they'll go in and I would laminate them and I know Bailey You know this in fact, I asked you what kind of laminator you use a couple of years ago and went and got one but the small laminators that use at home are actually a better quality than the kind you'll get like Cata education store or at the school, it's a stronger. And so I'll laminate it with a home laminator. And then I will put it in the treasure box, so it's more sturdy, and they can pull it out and see, oh, this is what we're going to do. So they can either like reach in and whatever you pull out is what we're going to do, or you can just have, and the younger they are, they really only need two choices, maybe three at the most if they're super mature. As they get older, we can add new things into that treasure box. But I found that really helps to

Bailey Olsen  30:37  
we did something like that that I called I called it their toolkit. Well we can use from our toolkit to help us solve this problem. I got it from a cute book. I wish I could remember the name of it and the author. But anyways, they called it their emotional toolkit. And I just thought that the toolkit, I said, let's look at our toolkit. Let's see what tools we can use to help us feel better in the situation.

DJ Stutz  31:00  
Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. Another thing is, maybe step back, and especially after it's over and say what led into this. What time of day, was it? What were they arguing about? Is that right before lunch? Do they need a snack right after school? And so now I'm assessing I'm learning from the experience and sent Oh, you know what? They came home from school, we had to change right away. We forgot snack. We're rushing out the door. And everything's rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. And I don't know about you, but when I feel overwhelmed with too many things to do, and it's like, Go Go, go, go go. That's when I can blow it out even as an adult. Now let's put that onto a two or three year old,

Bailey Olsen  31:45  
right. There's a lot of talk in today's society. We've really opened up the script about moms and being overstimulated. Yeah, it started with us learning about kids, right? We it's easier for us to see when a child is feeling overstimulated. For me, it was really always every time we traveled, we live far away from our family. We live in Michigan, and they live in Utah. Every time we would go home and my family is really big, as I said before, and so every time we were home and the whole family was there, it was loud. It was constant activities every day it was so many new people and people wanting to hold them and hang out with them and play with them which was so wonderful, and also really overstimulating and grumpy and may be short and may throw huge tantrums. And so we learned through our kids that our kids are overstimulated. Well, now we're learning moms. We're calling it like postpartum anger, or, or things like that. And not that that's not true, because it is but we are learning that moms can be overstimulated just like that, right? My kids are on all day. I'm being touched all day long. When my kids are little, right. You're cooking dinner, you have kids crying eight feet, you're going to the bathroom, like they're sitting on your lap. You're in the shower, they're either sitting in the shower with you or sitting outside the shower, watching you talking to you. And it's like all about this week. Yes, I believe it. And that's how it is when you're little so then you get overstimulated as a mom. And what do we want? Do we want people to yell at us and get upset with us. And I've gotten really upset over, I had my kids at my job coaching gymnastics, and he was supposed to come and pick one of them up, I was so angry at him. He was stuck in work, meaning it was not his fault. I knew he would possibly get stuck in that meeting. But I was so angry with him. And I think it's because I was completely overstimulated. And if I'm angry with him, and it's not his fault, but I'm angry, and I'm telling him, I'm angry. But I want him to be like, well get over it. Stop crying. Stop whining about it. Yeah, it was a small thing. Get over it. I want to say, I'm sorry, I really couldn't do anything about it. I love you. I want to reaffirm that he loves me and that he's here for me and that he's trying for me. And then I will call him right now. Yes, the exact same thing with our kids. They're mad, because they got a green cup, and they really wanted a blue cup. Instead of saying just get over it. It's a blue cup. I mean, it's a green cup. It's not that big of a deal. Right? Look at your kid is a big deal to them, isn't it? But to them, it is a really big deal. And so I think we should validate them and say, oh, man, you love that blue cup. Don't get in you didn't get the blue cup. That would be really frustrating. Maybe next time, we have to try and have a good attitude. So let's not freak out. Let's try and calm ourselves down. So maybe next time we can get the blue cup. Right? Whatever it is, I say validate them. Let them know that their feelings are that it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel upset. If someone's saying just get over it. Don't be mean to me.

DJ Stutz  35:02  
Oh, that'll set me off faster than anything. Oh, yeah, as an adult. So why would we do that and expect our kids to behave anything differently? You brought up a point, though, that I think is really so important is that we're learning so much more now about how kids grow and develop, and how they work, what things are developing At what ages? What are the next development stages, all of that. And it really can help us to be better parents. The problem, I think, is, you know, like someone, I went and got my degree in this, and I take continuing ed classes in this, and I'm always trying to stay up to date on what the new understandings are. But the average parent, I think, isn't someone who's, well, I'm gonna take a child development class here, just to make sure I know what the new up to date thing is. We expect our doctors to have continuing ed, we expect our attorneys, police have to have continuing ed teachers obviously do. I mean, in most jobs, I don't care what it is, there's some kind of continuing ed, you know, how to better serve the customer, how to better communicate as a team, all of those things are going on how to stay up to date on the new law that are coming. And yet, I don't know if you agree with me, in my mind, there's nothing, there's no job in the world that is more important than raising our kids. Absolutely. And yet, we don't take the time to do quote unquote, and a continuing ed kind of a thing. And so where do we go to find out, we say, Oh, I'm too busy. Oh, I'm doing fine. I'm a good parent. And you probably are a good parent. But there's a different reason my

Bailey Olsen  36:55  
parents were either lazy, right,

DJ Stutz  36:59  
but your parents were doing what they knew from their education and their understanding. And so I think that we need to be sure that as a parent, we're constantly looking for, even if it's a podcast that I can listen to while I'm driving into work, well, I get the news that, okay, you're gonna get the news are you going to do you're continuing it. And I think if you really look at it as continuing that just like you would do for your job, which is way less important than what you're going to do here. And so there are a ton of podcasts, I do the coaching. And I'm happy to do that we There are workshops, we do workshops at little Arts Academy And there are lots of places that you can go and you can make that, um, have the bug in your ear while you're vacuuming, or while you're making dinner or folding laundry. And so there are a lot of things that are available to help you understand better, what is going on with my kid, how are they developing? And then what do I need to do? Another thing that I always looked at, and I think it's a really one of the most common errors that these imperfect heroes make is sleep. Kids need a ton of sleep. That's one of the first things that I ask when I'm working with a parent, you know, as a coach is half asleep as your kiddo getting what time? Are they going to bed? What is your bedtime routine? How are you waking them up in the morning? How would you like it as someone came in? Wake up? Wake up wake up? I, I wouldn't take to that well, either. So I think parents when I talk to them are just flabbergasted when they realize that their two and three year olds need 10 to 12 hours asleep in a 24 hour period.

Bailey Olsen  38:55  
But no more than that. It's like 15 hours, my kids that are almost seven feet right now. So one of my traditions is like Google every year at the beginning of the school year, recommended amount of sleep for this age group. Yeah, for my kids right now it is 10 to 12 hours, and they are just out of the last bracket which was last 15 hours 12 to 15 hours of sleep in that 24 hour period. That is a lot. And you know, as their younger two, it will break down like this big of a chunk. They need at least a nine hour chunk at a time. And I found that sometimes your kids just simply will not do that. But when that happens, the best thing I found personally for my family, which every kid is different, every family is different. They needed to be worn out during the day they need to get off the screens. They needed to get outside. They needed to run their little high knees. We would take running breaks and I'd say See if you can run around the house three times, but you're allowed to walk Just get them around the house on the outside of the house, can you run around outside of the house? At first, it was just can you run around the house one time, you know when they're little. And then usually you get them running around the house, and then they want to play outside, you get them playing outside and put them to bed at eight o'clock. They're good to go.

DJ Stutz  40:17  
Yeah. Or even they may need to depending on what time you've got to get up and going in the morning, it may be earlier than an eight o'clock bedtime, it may be a seven o'clock. And so with the grandkids this week, I don't know their school. I wish I had a school like this when I was raising kids Sylvans elementary school doesn't start till 930. That's, that's, that's so nice. So we start at 730, brushing teeth, who needs their bath, reading the story, and then slides out around eight 815. And then they're sleeping until 738 in the morning. And that makes it so nice. And they're doing better. So that's one of the things I think to look at whether they're brand new babies, or not. And I did an episode just a, just a couple of episodes ago. It's called Sleep babies, Lee. And it's with Rebecca Campbell, and she has a company called Little z's. And she helps parents understand the routines that are most productive, and how to get your kids to sleep. The interesting thing was that if you have no boundaries during the day, the kids are always pushing you. And you're always okay, okay, you're this or that, or the kids are just ruling the roost, right? You're gonna have trouble getting those kids to bed at night. So you need to have boundaries during the day, for so many reasons. One of them is so that they understand that these are the boundaries that are going to be enforced. It's nighttime, I need to do this. So that's another thing to look at. If your kids are having a lot of those big temper tantrums, czar, they getting enough sleep.

Bailey Olsen  42:03  
No, I also had one last thing here, my son's teacher made a comment couple weeks ago that I am a person who likes to challenge my kids, I am very focused on them being challenged. And things not being too easy for them. Both of my kids are naturally really bright. They school comes easy for them, sports come easy for them. They're very verbal, they love reading and math and science and Spanish. So I'm always like, okay, these still need to be challenged, because they're like going too fast. I don't want them to I mean, I personally struggled with being too good at school when I was little, so I never had to work. And then I got to high school and needed to work. And I didn't. And so my grades slip really bad. And I was too embarrassed to tell my mom because I had always been a perfect straight A student and then I forged my report card. So anyways, I'm trying to make my kids not repeat my mistakes. But she made a comment to me that said, in first grade, all of the parents come and they say this stuff is too easy for my child, they're only getting these skills. And she said, You know, I want you to think about every single thing you did all day long. was a challenge for you? How would you feel at the end of the day? Would you feel like you are awesome, and ready to keep doing new things? Or would you feel done and grumpy and frustrated and like you are not a great person. Or, or athlete or, or teacher, whatever it is. And she's like, that's how it is with our kids. She said, so my goal every day is to have one activity that is extremely challenging for them, and have the rest of the activities be really good things they can be confident in. And that doesn't mean they're not also hard. They're also they're still going to be things that grow them, but not really challenging them so that they feel so frustrated because she's been a first grade teacher for like 27 years. She said, wow. And she was like, the biggest thing I noticed is the more I push them and challenge them throughout the day, the worst behavior I have, and the less growth I have. I get the most growth when I choose. And Mondays are super challenging math day, and we introduce a new concept and we work hard on that concept. But we do more simple reading things or a fun science activity. That's not really as challenging, but it's still fun and learning so that I just really took that to heart and I think it's so useful in this conversation right now because it's a mistake that I make as a parent is challenging them too much. And maybe give them back a little bit of control. Make sure that they're doing something they feel competent and happy like wow, you Put your jacket on all by yourself. That's awesome. Let me help you with the zipper, you did the hard part of your jacket off by yourself, now let them do the zipper. While you sat on the potty all by yourself, that is so cool you are so big way to go. Good job doing that. I'll help you, ya know, whatever, whatever the thing is, my kids always tried to wipe by themselves. And we always had a much bigger mess. And I mean, it's good. I gave them opportunities. By the way, they still had opportunities, but So like, if we can give them things that are not too challenging, but make sure they're building, we're building them up, making sure they feel strong and capable. And in control of their emotions. When we do see something like, wow, I saw you were really frustrated with that, and you didn't hit anybody. You took a deep breath, I saw you take a deep breath. That was really good. Or you took a deep breath. Before you hit your friend, I saw that you tried. That was really good that you tried, we're going to try even harder next time. And it'll get easier every time. But I saw you take a big deep breath. You know, I think it will help build them up and hopefully help them feel confident in controlling those emotions a little bit.

DJ Stutz  46:16  
Right, noticing what went right is so important. And then not being angry as you're talking to them yourself.

Bailey Olsen  46:23  
Which might mean, I mean, I've said to my kids before, I am too mad right now I need to walk away so that I don't yell at you. I've told them like, I'm really frustrated. And I'm really upset with you right now. And I don't want to be mean, I'm gonna take a step back. You're safe right now. I'm gonna go sit in my room for a minute. And I'm gonna breathe. And then I'm gonna come back out. And we can talk about this. But I'm not ready to talk about it right now because I'm too upset. And that's not always acceptable, right? There are times when we're reprimanding our kids and our kids are like, I'm too upset. I need to walk away. And I'll say no, you cannot have alone time right now. You need to stick this out.

DJ Stutz  47:05  
Yeah, exactly. There's a balance of how to handle things the right way. So anyway, before we go daily, thank you, again, I love my zero days, or my zero episodes, because I get to be with you. Oh, thanks. Just so our people who are listening will know, in November, I'm going to be doing another challenge, this will be a five day challenge. And this is going to be a challenge on living in gratitude, and helping us teach our children through example of how to live in gratitude, it's going to be a free opportunity for you to come and learn, it's going to be real easy, but it will help it keep it at the front of your mind. And if you're thinking about it, you find your way to see more things to be grateful for in your life. And then we are going to be opening later in November, the Cicerone Society, which is my group coaching program, which only opens three times a year. So if you're wanting to get in on that you are more than welcome to. And the last thing I want to hash three things, that's too many things. But the last thing that I want to share with you is that parent teacher conferences, you're going to be here before you not. It's amazing how fast they come up. And so I've got a workshop that's available on how to get the most out of your parent teacher conferences. And we're talking about what are the things to ask what are the things that you need to share with your teacher, and you only get like maybe 15-20 minutes, how to best use your time. And then what are some things that you can do now? Right today, so that when you walk in, you know where your kids are already. And so I'm going to share a lot of that with you. And that's all on the website. It's We'll have the links in the show notes. 

So Bailey, we're going to have you back in another 10 episodes. I can't believe how fast this last 10 has gone by. It's not up on us. It did. It did. So until next time. Let's find joy in parenting. I know I know. I said we're done. But I just wanted to let you know that next week. I am talking with Dr. Amy Moore about how we train our brain and how we can train the brains of our kiddos. So until next time, let's find joy in parenting.

Transcribed by

Bailey OlsenProfile Photo

Bailey Olsen


I am a second and third grade teacher as well as a gymnastics coach! I have been teaching school off and on for about 10 years, and gymnastics has been a part of my life since I was just a kid. My most important and most favorite jobs though, are being a wife and a mother.