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July 25, 2022

Episode 57: Are You Providing for Your Kids or Raising Them with Rabbi Manis Friedman

Episode 57: Are You Providing for Your Kids or Raising Them with Rabbi Manis Friedman

In this episode, DJ talks with Rabbi Manis Friedman about raising healthy children beyond the basic necessities, our own parenting fears and insecurities of raising them and how to find your parenting authority and confidence. Listen in as they discuss not judging, doing away with labels, giving yourself credit where it is deserved and how to remain an enthusiastic parent along the way.

Rabbi Manis Friedman is a world renowned author, lecturer, counselor and philosopher. He was born in Prague, Czechoslovakia in 1946, immigrated with his family to the United States in 1950, and received his rabbinic ordination from the Rabbinical College of Canada in 1969. Rabbi Friedman has been featured in over 200 international print articles and interviewed on more than 50 television and radio talk shows, including CNN, A&E Reviews, PBS, BBC Worldwide, The New York Times, Rolling Stone, Seventeen, Guideposts, Insight, and Publisher’s Weekly.


I am hosting a FREE 10-day challenge to find your calm, loving voice as you encourage your children to complete tasks and routines, and listen to you more quickly with less drama.  

There will be a total of 5 live events with new information and the chance to ask questions and share.  Let's find joy in parenting, together!


• [11:13] “There are many ways in which we can make our children healthy. Just basic necessities, like you mentioned, stability, security, safety.” 
• [12:10] “There's no rulebook that comes with the birth of a child that says, Do not machine wash, and I'd like you to figure that out on our own.” 
• [18:19] Rabbi Friedman explains confidence is what gives parents authority. 
• [26:11] “We're so concerned about our children's psychological health, that it makes us crazy.”  

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DJ Stutz  0:13  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA. 

Perfect. You're listening to Episode 57 of Imperfect Heroes Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. I'm your host DJ Stutz. And this week, I'm continuing with my conversations with people of faith and their take on parenting and family. This week, I am talking with Rabbi Manis Friedman, YouTube's most popular rabbi. And Rabbi Friedman is a world renowned author. He's a lecturer, he's a counselor. He's a philosopher, and he was born in Prague, Czechoslovakia. And he emigrated with his family to the United States in 1950. And then, in 1971, he founded the UN I don't know if I'm saying this right. Bae is China Institute of Jewish Studies in Minnesota, and this was actually the world's first yeshiva exclusively for women, and he continues to serve there to this day as a dean, Rabbi Friedman's first book, Doesn't Anyone Blush Anymore, has won worldwide acclaim and was translated actually into several different languages. And it is currently in its fifth printing. Rabbi is also the author of The Joy of Intimacy, who needs you a children's book and creating a life that matters. The rabbi has been featured in over 200 International print articles and interviewed on more than 50 television and radio talk shows. And he's been on speaking tours that have taken him to every part of the United States, as well as to Israel, England, the Netherlands, South Africa, Australia, Brazil, Venezuela, Peru, Canada, and Hong Kong. So using both ancient wisdom and modern wit, Rabbi Friedman captivates audiences around the world and he hosts his own critically acclaimed cable television series Torah for men with manis Freeman. And it's been syndicated throughout North America. So what is the difference between providing for your children and actually raising and educating them? That's what we're talking about. There's so much to learn. So let's get started.

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I believe that the strongest and most valuable gift you can give your family is a strong and loving relationship between the parents. And I realize this isn't always possible. But it certainly is the gold standard. And as I started my conversation with Rabbi Friedman, this was the topic I had in mind. However, we found ourselves talking about the role confidence plays in effective parenting, and the things that keep us from finding the confidence we need. It was a fun transformation. And I think you're going to enjoy the journey. Let's listen in. 

Welcome, everyone. I'm so excited to have everyone here and listening in. I've got an amazing guest. As you know, I have a strong belief in family and faith, the two go absolutely together for me. And this guest is part of that he understands that. This is Rabbi Friedman. And you can find him on YouTube. And he's got some books out there. And it's pretty amazing. Rabbi, would you like to introduce yourself a little bit?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  8:00  
Hi. We're here to talk about children raising children parenting, pleasures, their love.

DJ Stutz  8:10  
Yeah. And that's my tagline is let's find joy in parenting. We can get all bogged down with how hard it is and just can wear you out. But there's joy in every day with your children. And if you're not finding that, it just probably need to look a little harder, because it is definitely there.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  8:36  
Or you need to know a little more confidently what you're doing.

DJ Stutz  8:42  
I would agree. And that's kind of the goal that we have is trying to help these young parents, you and I we're gonna look back and say, Oh, I wish I had known this when I was in my 20s and starting my family. And so I'm hoping we can share some insights and stuff to help these young parents find a path that will be fulfilling for them and their children.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  9:11  
Getting to their confidence. Absolutely.

DJ Stutz  9:15  
Yeah, because there's so many things nobody's getting there, right? Nobody's getting it 100%, right? It's okay. And it's expected to make mistakes. But then are you going to beat yourself up over those mistakes? Or you're gonna come to at the end of the day, review the relationship exchanges that you've had with your spouse, with your children, and then saying, uh, this one I could have handled better. I wonder, why did I react the way that I did? What was going on? And then what can I learn from that? And then do better if I need to make apologies jump in and make those Apologies and talk with your child or your spouse and say, How can we make this work better?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  10:06  
It's a growing learning dynamic process.

DJ Stutz  10:10  
Yeah. So one of the key things that I believe is that the greatest gift that we can give our children is finding that stable loving home environment and a strong marriage, where an example is set for the kids on how to work through conflict and disagreements and how to treat one another with respect, because they're gonna watch you. And very often, it's kids, girls tend to marry men a lot like their fathers, boys tend to often marry women like their mothers, because that's what they know. That's what they're comfortable with. So how are we going to set them up for that success? With the relationship that we have with our spouse? Yeah, yeah.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  11:03  
How you live with each other? Is your first lesson to your children.

DJ Stutz  11:07  
Absolutely, it is. Yeah. So what are some of the suggestions or thoughts that you have on that?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  11:13  
There are many ways in which we can make our children healthy. Just basic necessities, like you mentioned, stability, security, safety. child needs to have a stable, safe, base, home base. That's not educating your children. That's simply not destroying them. It's just maintaining a healthy child. So you haven't really raised your children if you give them security and, and safety. I mean, that's just the nest. But that's so important. Of course. Here's part of dilemma for parents today. How much authority do we have at home? Parents?

DJ Stutz  12:02  
Well, there's a big push right now to lessen the authority that we have.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  12:10  
And because we never really had a method, there's no rulebook that comes with the birth of a child that says, Do not machine wash, and I'd like you to figure that out on our own. But because there is no manual, many parents feel insecure about it. Unprepared, unqualified, and so they're a little tenuous, they're a little hesitant. The children pick that up immediately. And you lose all authority. And the olden days, not that long ago, parents could spank their children. And it was okay. It really was not talking about abuse, right, but thinking of a child. And it's interesting how you listen to people talk about those days. And they say, Wow, I could never get away with doing that with my parents. Oh, my father would. And it's always been a smile. And it's always a pleasant memory. Why isn't it working anymore? Today? You cannot not You're not allowed. You can't? You can't spank a child and get good results. Why is it? I think it's because in the child's mind, who are you to spank me? If you're the authority, okay. But you're not. So who are you to spank me? But then what's the alternative? Send them to their room. The child is thinking, Who are you to send me to my room. So if we don't have a foreign, if we can't spank them, we have no authority for anything. So we try to discipline our children, and it doesn't work, which makes us even more insecure. Now we're terrified of our children. We're afraid of them. What if they don't like me? What if they refuse? What am I going to do? The Children Of course pick up that hesitance and suffer for it. Because they need you to be the authority. So now they're acting out their frustrations. big mess. So the last thing we want to do is undermine parents confidence, right? worse comes to worse. You will make the same mistakes your parents made and the result will be that your child will turn out to be like the result Because of the same mistakes, that was that so terrible. I know we all want our children to be better than us. Or what if they're not better, but if they're the same, wouldn't be terrible. The fact that would be pretty successful. If your children are no worse off than you, you're a good parent.

DJ Stutz  15:21  
Well, then we've got situations where on media on those shows, they watch the movies we go to, that the parents are made to look like idiots. And the children are off solving problems on their own, despite the intervening things the parents are looked at, as getting in the way of the children solving whatever problems on their own. So they're blasted with that, as a teacher, you've got kids coming to school. And I think one thing that parents are afraid of is, teachers are mandated reporters. And so if a child says, my daddy hits me, it's a whole can of worms right there. I think it's really important that we give our parents eye Diaz and things that they can do instead. And there are some things that we can do in working with our kids and talking to them. And, again, showing them how to have a strong relationship with you and your spouse and working on that, but also working on it with them and saying, Let's take something easy, they're having a cow in the middle of the grocery store, because they wanted the little Debbie's hose or whatever it is. And you have all these people watching you. And you can be kind of scared about it. Or you can just say, well, you can throw whatever fit, you're gonna fit. But we're not getting the hose, I can see you're upset, and you're sad. And if you need to work that out, but that doesn't change this boundary that I'm setting here. And when they calm down, then we can offer some choices of healthier things. But you still man, you need to set those boundaries.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  17:35  
For that you need confidence. Yeah. So I'm not suggesting spanking kids. Not at all, unless it's a real, real emergency. What does give parents authority? What gave my parents authority? Well,

DJ Stutz  17:56  
I would think the way that they handled themselves is a big part of that, that they have respect for themselves and their knowledge. But I think even beyond that the ultimate authority becomes from God, that we are expected to establish ourselves there and then use that. Honor

Rabbi Manis Friedman  18:19  
your father in law. That was a very powerful influence in terms of human traits, but it gives a person authority is their confidence. Even among adults, you know, you have a group of adults discussing something, whoever speaks with the most confidence wins. The argument is, Oh, this guy knows what he's talking about. How do you know he knows what he's talking about? Because he has so much confidence. parents used to have great confidence. The father and the mother asked the question, What I say is right, I'm telling you the truth. You listen to me, you will be good. Confidence. Confidence produces a fairy. Another thing is, when the mother expect expects respect for the Father, and the father demands respect for the mother. It's pretty pathetic. If I have that demand respect for myself. Then I'm at their mercy. But if I'm like, he can't talk to your mother like that. Or your mother asked you to do something while you're waiting. That is very, very helpful. But you know, a mother who says something to her child and the child looks at the father and they both laugh or roll their eyes. So now, let's let's let's assume that everything isn't Place all the necessary pieces. Parents respect each other. They demand and expect children's respect for the other. And now you have a calm, peaceful, safe structure for the children. Now begins the education or what we call raising children, not protecting them raising here is something we don't often hear what in the world does it mean to raise a child or you raise corn or you raise a child, we have various forms of pleasure. A child at birth experiences only one kind of pleasure, touch. That's the sense that gives pleasure and security a little later on, taste, taste, put everything in their mouth, to taste it all and see what it is. So they no touch and taste. That is the pleasure of their lives. And that's why if you don't hold them, and you don't feed them, there is no pleasure in life because they don't, they don't know any other pleasure. Sounds like you're cuddling them too much, you're gonna spoil them, you're not gonna spoil them. It's the only pleasure they can experience. But then the objective is to raise them. raising them means introduce a better higher pleasure into their life, raise the bar of pleasure. Of course, there has to be some discipline goes without saying. But really raising children successfully means you move them from the level of pleasure they had to a higher, more meaningful, more noble pleasure. So what do we do? This is universal. We sink to them. Mothers seem to their children. The idea behind that is not to develop musical talents. The idea is introduce a better pleasure at a child can experience. The rhythm of music is a new pleasure. And children love it. So you've introduced something a little more noble than eat and touch. In fact, Jewish tradition, I'm sure other communities as well. The place we seen most often is at the table. Oh, so when you're enjoying the food, the pleasure of taste? We want to interject a little other pleasure. Right? Finer pleasure, that of music.

DJ Stutz  23:16  
Pleasure of song.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  23:19  
Audio pleasures, yeah. Which is more refined than touch and face. Well,

DJ Stutz  23:24  
and we learn things more quickly through songs, too. Whether it's religious traditions, or I even have a song I've seen with my kids, when they're stuck waiting to help them recognize they're waiting patiently, you're able to teach so much through song,

Rabbi Manis Friedman  23:43  
which is an additional benefit, right? But even if you're just humming, well, whistling. So the next step after that, if you're going to put an age on it, you start the singing at two years old, where a kid can kind of sing along for let's say two to four. Music is the additional pleasure. Then you introduce a higher pleasure. You raise them another rung on the ladder that stands on Earth and reaches into heaven. The next rung is good character. Heroes. People who do something do things that are special that are extraordinary. Impressive. How do we teach that? Stories? We read stories and they love it. And they get more pleasure from a story and from a song or from ice cream. But you got to pick the stories. Humpty Dumpty. Somebody did something so noble and everybody was proud of them. You They were so brave, they were so kind, they were so smart, something, some quality. Let's say that's from four, to six, seven. Now you want to raise them to a higher level, the next step, the next step in pleasure is intelligence. When you ask a child a riddle, and they figure it out, the pleasure is overwhelming, greater than all the others. So we have to cultivate an enjoyment of intelligence, to be able to figure something out to know an answer to a question, to be smart. Now we're starting to become human beings. Then you go to the final level, the highest, the pleasure of serving others. It's got to be a pleasure, not a burden, not an obligation. Pleasure. If you do that, you win the Nobel Prize. So to raise children is not a psychological endeavor. We're so concerned about our children's psychological health, that it makes us crazy. We're so worried, is it going to hurt their self image? Are they going to be traumatized? Stop. If you don't hurt them, they'll be fine. Don't worry about their psychology. Not every child is a patient. Not every child needs to be in therapy. And not every uncomfortable or painful experience is a trauma. We've gotten so caught up in the psychobabble that we're making our kids crazy. The objective is not to protect their egos. The objective is to elevate them from pleasures they're born with, to a more noble, more sophisticated, more human pleasure pleasures that are unique to the human being. Now you've created a match

DJ Stutz  27:13  
for our non Jewish friends, can you explain meant

Rabbi Manis Friedman  27:18  
actually has become an English word? You can look it up in the dictionary. Yeah. Yeah, mentioned means a fully unionized. I remember wondering about that word. I would get up from the table and walk away. And somebody would say, clean up, help clean up the table, be a man. So I thought okay, I mentioned me somebody who cleans up tables.

But then, another occasion a sibling was upset and angry. And I'm screaming at him. My mother says can you talk like a match? What is that a clean up here? No speaking thoughtfully and considerably to somebody who's upset. makes you a message. Okay. getting complicated.

DJ Stutz  28:19  

Rabbi Manis Friedman  28:21  
And then every other time I didn't do the right thing was in elementary. So I meant means someone who is fully human eyes, which means you'll clean up or if people are cleaning up. You'll talk nicely when somebody needs it. You'll you'll say hello and goodbye and be polite. The details will follow that URL mench you can be trusted to do the mench thing.

DJ Stutz  28:52  

Rabbi Manis Friedman  28:53  
under all circumstances. Yeah. So, I think that that might help kind of define or focus what it means to parent without getting into psychobabble.

DJ Stutz  29:12  
But I think too, we can show our kids that we can learn from our mistakes. We're not perfect, we understand that. But we are still a work in progress much like they are still a work in progress. And and you can say I learned something. And this is what I think it's going to mean for us and you have that conversation with your child. I learned that screaming at you all the time isn't probably the best route to go. So we're going to work on this as a family and try to bring kindness back into our home where we show each other respect and love I

Rabbi Manis Friedman  30:00  
have a feeling that parents will learn that screaming at their kids doesn't work. And talks about it to their children will probably continue screaming.

DJ Stutz  30:11  
You think so? Yeah.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  30:14  
Don't say it. Do it. Yeah. Stop screaming. So parents need to be honest. So if you said something that was wrong, be honest. Say, You know what I said to you yesterday, I found out that that's not the way it is I correcting the facts and setting the record straight. Yesterday, I was angry at you because I thought you lie. Well, it turns out, you didn't lie. I'm so glad that that's true. So it's not like, I'm so clueless, that you can't trust anything I say, because don't do that to your kid. He needs you to be the hero or his hero. Don't take that away. But if you said something wrong, and the child knows you were wrong, set the record straight. I found that that you weren't lying. I found out that it really was your toy. Very glad that that turned out. One other thing that might help restore our confidence. There really is no such thing. There is no such thing as a good mother. Because you can never be good enough. You can never be a good wife. never good enough. You can never be good enough for God. You can say am I a good Jew? Am I a good Christian? No. You'll never be. Are you a good daughter. Even if your parents say oh, she was such a good daughter. Or you were know what it means to be a good daughter, or son. So when it comes to these relationships, there is no such thing as good. Because you can never be good enough. It's endless. So don't try to be a good Jew or a good Christian. Don't try to be a good mother, a good wife or a good daughter, a good husband, a good father, or a good son. It ain't gonna happen. Every day. Today, I will try to do the right thing. The best you can get. So stop judging, stop keeping records. Don't judge. Oh, today, I wasn't a good mother. Yesterday, I was a good mother. Don't do that. There is no good mother. There's just mothering. If you have to put a label on it. A good mother is a mother who never regrets being a mother. Bad mother. If you regret being a mother, but everything in between that perfectly okay. God gave you a child. He knows you. And in his mind, you can be the mother to this child, with all your flaws with all your failings with all your weaknesses. So stop apologizing. Mother, mother to your heart's content. Wow, mother. Do it. Don't judge it. Will you ever become a good father? No. Don't quit on your team.

DJ Stutz  33:45  
And isn't that a big key? When you say just Don't quit on your kid. Because I I have seen parents who just kind of give up. I can't get them to do anything.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  33:59  
This one woman told me that she was verbally abused by her parents. And she found that she would never do that to her kids. You should never make rounds. Anyway, so it turns out, she had a teenage boy and girl when she discovered that she was verbally abusing them. Not intentionally, of course, right. When she discovered that she was verbally abusing her children, and she had vowed that she would never do that to her children. She abandoned them. She was not going to verbally abuse them. And she tells me this very proudly. I left them because I will never do to them what my parents did to me. Your parents never abandoned you. So there's the danger of the judgment of parenting. were her parents good parents? No. But they parented she gave up on the kids, she quit on them. Much worse, much worse. So, as long as you're motivated, as long as you're committed to being the mother, you're fine, do it. You'll make mistakes, probably the same mistakes your mother made. That's okay. Very often that's the case, the things you promise you'll never do. Those are the ones you've probably got to do. So, if you don't introduce original mistakes, you'll only repeat the mistakes your parents made. You're okay. Because we want more than that, which is, no, we'll try to be better than your parents, but first be at least as good as they were, then you can you can bypass them, or pass them by and become better. But until you're as good, I don't think you're better.

DJ Stutz  36:13  
Isn't there a danger in thinking that we're better than anyone else? Then we've got that judgment piece coming in. So let me be what I know.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  36:27  
Know, was your mother's.

DJ Stutz  36:29  
Exactly, exactly. So if we judge our mom with those mistakes, we're going to judge ourselves when we catch ourselves doing them. And so I think it's good to learn more about how children develop, what areas that they're able to comprehend new things, what processes are in place, as their little limit grow from one to two to three to four. In the more you know, you're going to be able to make some different decisions. But to sit and say, I'm better than my mom, or I'm better than my dad is, I think, just a negative outlook on things. And it brings judgment to yourself. Yes,

Rabbi Manis Friedman  37:17  
it can be terrible. If you think you're better than your parents, when in fact you're not. Yeah. But if in fact you are, you can give yourself some credit. If in fact you are, you're better in communicating. You're better with scheduling and keeping a nice home. Okay? Give yourself credit where it's deserved. But the worst thing you can do is to vow never to be like your parents. Now you've become totally paralyzed function at all. And then you have to resort to raising your children by a book, most popular book of the day. That's dangerous. Because then you're not the authority. And the kids know it immediately. I know a mother who was very, very disciplined and raised her children according to Dr. Spock.

DJ Stutz  38:18  
Yeah, I was just thinking

Rabbi Manis Friedman  38:19  
of him. Mr. Spock?

DJ Stutz  38:23  
No. Dr. Spock of difference. Yeah, no pointy ears.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  38:28  
Yeah. Anyway, her children happened to be very bright kids. And one day, she said something to her child. And the kind of the boy said, page 19. Funny, so who's raising me You are the book? Yeah. So it's got to be more organic. It's got to be more. We learn about children from books, child psychology, whatever it is, which is the science of it. But mothers know more about children than any book, their children. So you really have to trust your motherly instinct. Doctors need to trust a mother's instinct. If a mother says I think something is wrong, and the doctor can't find anything wrong. He should go back to medical school. Because the mother is probably right. Yeah. So we don't want to lose the art of parenting and remain just with the science of it.

DJ Stutz  39:37  
Yeah, I was fortunate to have a really good pediatrician when my kids were young. And we'd come in and he'd say, okay, Mom, what do you think is going on? And I would tell him, and that's the first thing he would check. And teachers said, mothers know,

Rabbi Manis Friedman  39:55  
and fathers need to appreciate that too. Father has been gone all day comes home. And the mother says, I think something's wrong with he takes a look. He says nope, nothing wrong. What what do you know? Yeah. The mother? Yeah, for sure. So sometimes, you know, just even talking about how to raise children, leaves parents feeling uncertain. What was the average you're supposed to do? Why I didn't know that. So that I already ruined my kids beyond repair.

DJ Stutz  40:35  
I get that a lot with my coaching that parents come and they think, Oh, I've ruined it. My kids are doomed. No, they're not. And there's always free choice. And I see parents who are amazing, great involves good parents, and their kid or to go screw Bali, you know, as they get older. And I've seen kids who have come from horrible conditions. And it's, it breaks my heart. And yet, I've seen kids come out of that situation as amazing human beings. And so don't ever think that you've ruined your kids. And you can always move forward.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  41:23  
I mean, one final cautionary note errants Live a life, the children observe the life their parents are wondering. If they're impressed, then they can't wait to step into those shoes, and become parents and adults themselves. But when parents don't have a life worth living, and they devote themselves completely to the children's lives, so the adult life is centered and focused on the child's life. So you drive the child from one activity to another, from one party to another, the child's life is your life. This is backwards. You live a life worth living, and let the child run to keep up. Don't become your child's chauffeur, party planner. Don't live their lives, live your life. They'll learn they'll see they'll want and they can't wait to grow up. But if you live your life around them, they'll never want to grow up. And then you have this whole generation of 30 Somethings who just want to splash if you know with their feet in the in the river and eat potato chips, and say that it doesn't get any better than this. Right? So in traditional families, statistically consistent in traditional families, children can't wait to grow up. They want to become mommies, they want to become daddies they want to become whatever their parents are. In the non traditional families and the modern families, children will never grow up. They're in their 30s. And they act like nine year olds. And their only real pleasure is taste and touch hidden this fancy name. But really, they're just baby. They were never raised from that level of pleasure, to the more noble pleasure have the pleasure of serving others or being of service. And so parents should never say to their kids don't want you to grow up like me. Well, then what are you giving them? Who should they grow up to be like basketball star, Madonna.

DJ Stutz  44:09  
And help us

Rabbi Manis Friedman  44:11  
look at the posters that kids have in their rooms where their heroes, stunted children, many cases those heroes hanging on the wall and the posters are less mature than the kid who hangs them.

DJ Stutz  44:25  
That is so true. I've even got a think kind of going on there actors and athletes and musicians, all of those things, that I admire their talent, but I try not to say anything about their personal life and stuff because pretty much I'd say 90% of the time, I'm disappointed and I'd rather just admire their talent and and not let that other part be a thing for me. So I kind of stay away from from so and so said this or so and so's doing that. I don't want to know.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  45:05  
Yeah, you really, it's a matter of values. What do we admire the issue, never use a talent as a role model. cabinet into a lot of trouble.

DJ Stutz  45:24  
It continues to get us into trouble.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  45:27  
And we even have to go to the extreme. Hitler was so popular. He was so gifted, that you had to really be in or out of what he could do with an audience, how he could move people with his oratory, better than any actor in Hollywood today. But our role model, now, that's an extreme example,

DJ Stutz  45:53  
it is. But it's all around us though, too. And I think having the confidence to understand that even those people that we really look up to, they're all going to make mistakes, they're all going to have poor judgment. And that doesn't excuse us following them on that path. And when we have the confidence, and the understanding to say, Well, that's an interesting path for them, I can still appreciate his ability to dunk a basketball. But that doesn't have really anything to do with the decisions that I'm going to make or the ideas that I cling to, that takes confidence, we're back to confidence, aren't we?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  46:41  
Not only is there nothing for me to learn from the fact that he's good at basketball, there's nothing for him. Being good basketball doesn't do anything for his life. Right? It doesn't give him a life. It doesn't constitute a life. He doesn't have a life, he's got to go get a life usually doesn't bother.

DJ Stutz  47:05  
Well, that's why you see so many bad decisions coming through. Because their idea of what their life is, is all tied up with this one piece. And they're not developing the other important parts of who they are. The

Rabbi Manis Friedman  47:23  
same is true with wealthy people. Yeah, good at making money. But do you have a life

DJ Stutz  47:30  
as your family done?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  47:33  
Those who have a life worth living? Those are the people we should emulate? Envy Meyer?

DJ Stutz  47:40  
Yeah, I totally agree. So if our listeners want to get more of you, and hear more, where would they

Rabbi Manis Friedman  47:51  
go? Go online? It's good to know that org.

DJ Stutz  47:57  
It's good to know.or. Excellent. Good to know. Yeah. Very much so. And you're all over the place. Really? I found you on. Fate know on YouTube, is where I found you.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  48:16  
YouTube has been an excellent outlet. The internet is just an amazing thing. stored. Right, right. But that's true of everything. Love is a good thing. Love can be deadly. proceed cautiously. But take advantage. There's so much good on the internet.

DJ Stutz  48:43  
A great, great. Okay, so I always asked my final question. How would you describe a successful parent?

Rabbi Manis Friedman  48:54  
Or parents who never loses the enthusiasm for parenting? If you're an enthusiastic parent, you're perfect. No matter what the books say?

DJ Stutz  49:10  
Yeah, I agree. I don't know I get this thing with. I need my knee time or I need a girls night out. I never wanted that. If I was gonna go out. I want to go with my husband. He's my best friend. He's the one that I really enjoy spending time with and I wouldn't ever want him to think that I need time away from you. So I can be happy and it's kind of for me, it was for me. It was the same with my kids. My happiest times then and now or when I'm with my husband and my kids. That's it.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  49:49  
Yeah, gotta be careful with that one. Yeah, you're telling your child I need to go to sleep now. You're not saying I need to stop parenting. Right Now I'm not your parents, often.

DJ Stutz  50:06  
When I see families that just look like they're close and engaged and enjoying one another, they're involved with one another. It's not I have to get away from you,

Rabbi Manis Friedman  50:19  
you really can't get away. So stop trying.

DJ Stutz  50:24  
It's true. They're with you wherever you go. Not physically, certainly in your heart and in your mind.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  50:32  
You might as well love them.

DJ Stutz  50:33  
Might as well. What else are you gonna do? You are Rabbi Friedman, I am so glad you took the time to share your knowledge with us and for our podcast. And I just wish you all the best and continued success and keep spreading that knowledge and belief. That's so key.

Rabbi Manis Friedman  50:58  
I will try.

DJ Stutz  50:59  
All right, sounds good. For a minute, there, I was a little worried about the direction of our conversation. But the Rabbi had so many great points. And you know, I really loved his point that you should not need to stick up for yourself. But it is important that you and your spouse stick up for each other. And he was right on with explaining the progression of pleasure in our children, and what that means as we interact with them at different ages. It really does help to have a blueprint of sorts to help you plan what you teach your children when you teach your children as they grow. Now, you can find the Rabbi on YouTube and his other contact information as well as an Amazon link to finding this books all down in the shownotes. 

And you are almost out of time. If you are listening to this podcast on Monday, July 25. And you haven't yet registered for the free 10 day challenge on finding your calm voice. And quit yelling at your kiddos. You have until 5pm tonight to register. So just go to the website, And as always, I would totally appreciate a rating and review that lets the powers that be know that you liked this amazing show. And we can have a nice little dance with the analytics. And remember to join me every Tuesday night for my Facebook Live event. So the new podcast comes out on Mondays. And that gives you basically two days to listen to the podcast and then join in at the live to ask questions, share stories and your thoughts about that episode. It is a lot of fun. So just find me at Imperfect Heroes podcast on Facebook. I am no longer doing the lives on the Little  Academy USA page. Make sure you are on the right page. So check it out at 7pm Mountain Time. And next week. My journey in faith is with my guests Natalie Silverstein and we will be talking about how to get your family and your kids involved in service and the benefits that will come from that. So until next time, let's find joy in parenting.

Transcribed by

Rabbi Manis FriedmanProfile Photo

Rabbi Manis Friedman

author, lecturer, counselor and philosopher

YouTube’s Most Popular Rabbi
Rabbi Manis Friedman is a world renowned author, lecturer, counselor and philosopher. He was born in Prague, Czechoslovakia in 1946, immigrated with his family to the United States in 1950, and received his rabbinic ordination from the Rabbinical College of Canada in 1969.
In 1971 Rabbi Friedman founded Bais Chana Institute of Jewish Studies in Minnesota, the world's first yeshiva exclusively for women, where he continues to serve as dean. From 1984-1990 he also served as real-time translator for the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s televised talks.

Rabbi Friedman’s first book, DOESN'T ANYONE BLUSH ANYMORE (Harper Collins, San Francisco 1990), has won worldwide acclaim and was translated to several languages. It is currently in its fifth printing. Rabbi Friedman is also the author of The Joy of Intimacy (It’s Good to Know Publishing, NY 2018), Who Needs You? (It’s Good to Know Publishing, NY 2020), a children’s book, and Creating a Life that Matters (It’s Good to Know Publishing NY 2021). In 2014 Rabbi Friedman together with Ricardo Adler, produced an award winning film The Lost Key, a documentary on intimacy and spirituality.

Rabbi Friedman has been featured in over 200 international print articles and interviewed on more than 50 television and radio talk shows, including CNN, A&E Reviews, PBS, BBC Worldwide, The New York Times, Rolling Stone, Seventeen, Guideposts, Insight, and Publisher’s Weekly.

Rabbi Friedman’s speaking tours have taken him to every part of the United States as well as to Israel, England, The Netherlands, South Africa, Australia, Brazil, Venezuela, Peru, Canada, and Hong Kong. He is the rabbi who has the most views on YouTube, earning him the distinction of being YouTube’s most popular Rabbi.

Using both ancient wisdom and modern wit, Rabbi Friedman captivates audiences around the world. He hosted his own critically acclaimed cable television series, Torah Forum with Manis Friedman, syndicated throughout North America. Over 150,000 copies of his provocative yet entertaining tapes, both audio and video have been sold. In his very calm, yet super engaging style the Rabbi possesses the highly unique ability to simplify the most complex personal, public and political issues and bring his listeners to a place of enhanced serenity and moral clarity.

Visit Rabbi Friedman’s website to get your questions answered and learn about ideas that change the world.