Episode 110 Parents and Potty Mouths: How Words Shape our World

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Episode 110 of Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world, and I'm your host DJ Stutz.

Welcome to another episode of Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting. And it's been a while since I've done an episode just by myself. And I've had so many people wanting to get on the podcast as a guest, that I am actually booked through December. And so I wanted to save a week though that was just for me, that I could talk to you about something that I feel is really important. And so today, we are talking about a subject that has just perplexed parents for generations. Is there any harm in swearing around your kids? Can if you drop F bombs, send them spiraling down the path of aggression? Well, join me as we explore the fascinating world of language and its impact on children and our efforts to create a more peaceful world. 

So I am going to share my screen if you're watching on Rumble or YouTube, I'm sharing the screen and then you're going to be able to see what I'm working on and how I'm doing this here. So today we're talking about parents and potty mouth, and how words actually shaped our world. We know through scientific studies, collegiate studies, studies done by police and therapists, that raging anger, of course, and it makes common sense, doesn't it? rage and anger can lead to violence and abuse. And then verbal abuse leads to low self esteem, and shattered emotions. And I think there are some people who have gone through that in their childhood, and maybe by an another abusive adult in your adult life. But we know what that means and what that feels like. And so we do know that people who often use anger to manipulate others do so from their own low self esteem, generally, they are often dealing with their own low self esteem. And they are suffering from the abuse of their own childhood, where they were not able to understand their own emotions, they weren't allowed to label them. Sometimes they weren't even allowed to really have those emotions. If they got in the way of an abusive parent or someone else that was in their life that was abusive. Sometimes it's a sibling, an older sibling, Far be it for me, I'm the oldest in my family. But sometimes these things happen. And so they were never able to process their own emotions. And so they are adults now that don't know how to manage their own emotions. And so they shoot into anger, and sometimes violence because of that. And sometimes they have a need to feel powerful. And the language, that abusive language and sometimes violent behavior, for some reason helps them to feel more powerful. Over the people that are in their lives are powerful within their own lives, right? Sometimes, they're trying to redirect attention from their own insecurities. And so I'm feeling insecure, I'm going to speak aggressively and powerfully to make other people don't notice how insecure I really am. And so that's another reason. And sometimes they feel unworthy or unwelcome or just not able to manage in a group. And so they will use that aggressive language, and sometimes even violence, just to isolate themselves to push others away, and to isolate themselves. And so that's something that happens. And so here's a few more things to think about them. Do we really want to go through life as a bully, as an adult bully, and that is terrorizing whomever it may be the neighborhood, right? There's the neighborhood bully, there's a bully within the family. There are bullies at work, and maybe even on a city softball team, whatever it is, but is that really how we want to go through life? And so instead, let's start getting curious about why am I feeling these emotions? Why Am I just throwing into such a rage? So quickly not, you can always go to therapy get some help. But a lot of times, I think that people who are dealing with these strong emotions are embarrassed or they feel like I don't need therapy, I'm fine, because they are afraid that it will maybe make them look weak. Other times, I have noticed that there are people who don't want to go to therapy, because they're afraid that the cat is going to get out of the bag that they will be identified as someone who is lacking, who was wrong, who isn't able to manage things. And that's kind of a little beyond what they are able to do right now. So instead of getting mad at ourselves, or whatever, let's start getting curious about why am I reacting this way that I am. And remember that and this might be part of it, the more frustrated you become, the more nervous the people around you can become. And so if you're frustrated, because let's say someone didn't follow through, right, they didn't understand a direction that you gave them, or they didn't follow through on a promise on something they said that they would do, and you lose it and you're yelling, and using aggressive language, then they are only going to become more nervous, which means the chances of them repeating or still making mistakes will increase. And so if you're frustrated by mistakes, generally, the best thing that you can do is to calm down, talk to them about okay, what is it that you thought I was asking you to do? Let's see where we went wrong here. And then they're going to calm down and be able to make fewer mistakes, which will make you less upset. And here's another thing though, to consider is that outbursts of anger often met with an equal or greater reaction. And so some people will just get so angry, maybe they've dealt with bullying their whole lives. And so they're done. I'm done with this. And so if you can be aggressive with me, I'm going to come right back at you equally or worse, I forget the old movie, but it was like, if someone hits us, we're gonna put them in the hospital, someone puts us in the hospital, we put them in the grave, right? It's that building up. And so things just accelerate and get out of control. And nobody benefits from that. Not only that is it's not just you and the person that you're talking about, or talking to, that can lose control, and maybe get hurt, but in the process, other people can get hurt as well, either emotionally or physically. And so we need to think about what you're doing, and putting other people at harm. So we want to think really about that. And so here, let me move this a little bit. I don't know if this makes a difference for you guys, but I'll give it a try. So let's talk about potty words. And kids. Is that really a big deal? When you use potty words around kids, or if you allow your kids to use those words to you know, being a kindergarten teacher, you know that I will say potty words, when I mean cursing, aggressive anger, aggressive words. So there's a scientist, his name is Benjamin Bergen. And he's a cognitive scientist at the University of California at San Diego. And he also authored this book, what the f. That's actually what the f and what swearing reveals about our language, our brains, and ourselves. And so if you're interested in this book, or learning more about Benjamin Bergen and his studies, I'm gonna have that information down in the show notes, and the comments if you're on YouTube or rumble. So he has this book, but one of the things that he suggests is that swearing is the marijuana of language. And that when you swear, we find that it can lead to that hard, more aggressive behavior. You're not calming yourself down, when you are swearing, for the most part, and you're not calming others down when you're doing that. And so it kind of takes us down this path. And children who are already in an aggressive mindset are more likely to swear when they're getting aggressive when they're amping it up. Right. And so they're more likely to hear the words that they heard. It could be adults, it could be older siblings. It could be friends. But it also could be what they're listening to, on television or on the screens. Right? More and more. It's just the screens. And so what are your kids listening to? That might be opening the door? to that? Do we want to pay attention to that? And here's the thing about kids, though, is they're still learning about social norms. They're still learning about reading the room, so to speak. Is there a difference between the language I use maybe on the playground than I use in the classroom that I use at home? Right. And in fact, I remember, if you've listened to me long, you've kind of heard that I had a progression of getting into early childhood, and I started out with high school. And I remember teaching in high school, I would hear the kids using just horrible words. And this was a long time ago, I'm talking like, during the OJ trial, this was that long ago, anyway, and I would say, hey, look, this, this hurts my heart. Please, if you wouldn't say it in front of your Mother, don't say it in front of me. And they'd look at me and say, My mom says this all the time. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. If you wouldn't say in front of your grandma, toss it in front of me. My grandma uses it all the time. I'm like, okay, just don't say it from. It's not okay. For class, not especially not in my class. And so it was just interesting, the change how things went with that, as kids okayed it, because the adults around them okayed it. But little kids, they learn that these words have power, right, they get a reaction, whoa, you know, and or some people think it's hysterical. And the kind of knows when a little guy is cursing, and they see that reaction they get. And so that encourages them to use it more and more and more, but they haven't matured enough. They haven't had enough experience, to understand that. There are places where this is not acceptable. It's not okay, to use this. I remember when I was raising my own kids, and I had a neighbor, and we were great friends. She was an amazing friend loved her to death. But she had a potty mouth. And we were in the car driving somewhere. And she let something fly. I'm like, Hey, like, ooh, kids? No. And she said, Well, they're gonna hear it sometime. I'm like, but not from us, not from us. And she says, kids, these are just grown up words. And I'm like, no such thing. If they're not okay for our kids, they shouldn't be okay. For us. That was my philosophy. And so, you know, we've got to learn to really wonder what we're teaching and how we're moving forward with language. Here's another opinion, though, about cursing and kids. So there was a study that was published in the Journal of Pediatrics and the scientists name was Sarah Coyne. And she's from Brigham Young University, which is in Utah. And here's some of the things that she found in her study. So she also found a connection between early exposure to language, and physical aggression and effect, what she found was that it really didn't matter where the source of hearing that early exposure to physical aggression, it didn't matter. Just that exposure was so whether it was friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, a neighbor, and screen time. All of those things added up to the earlier that they were exposed to that her study found that there was a greater connection to physical aggression as the kids were growing. In fact, her quote was, profanity is kind of like a stepping stone, it can start a downward slide toward more aggressive behavior. And so if we're wanting our kids to, you know, not get in trouble, you know, at schools or on the playground, or whatever, and to have some real quality and positive problem solving techniques, using profanity isn't going to lead them there. It's going to make the problem worse, and it's going to limit their ability to see other alternatives to solving problems. So let's think about this, though. Is there a cost to society for all of this? And the survey says, let's look at this. The acceptance of expletives has changed for the past few years. I remember growing up in Los Angeles, right. And we weren't allowed to use curse words, whether we were at home or at school, we would get busted. We weren't even able to say far. We had to say booth Lusophone booth ish. And so it's funny that my mom, my mom, again, if you listen to me long, you know, my mom was raised literally, by lumberjacks in the northwest part of America. And, you know, I no language was around those guys. But I do know that my grams, and my pots

did not put up with it from the girls. I don't know about my uncle Verge because he was pretty good. But I do know that my mom and my aunts were all very, there's the three girls. So they were all just very conscious about language. And I think Gram's taught them that it made them sound cheap, and uneducated, and poor. And so that's where they picked that up. And so they didn't allow it at all. I also remember, one of my brothers came home from school, and he's like, third fourth grade, something like that. And dropped an F bomb in front of my mom. He didn't know what it meant. He just heard it at school. And my mom was like, Wow. You said, Do you know what that word means? He's like, No, but he knew he was in trouble, right? And no. And she pretty much explained it to him and said, No, is that what you meant to say to me? No. Okay, then let's not use that word. So that was an, that's an approach, certainly. But I know that acceptance, I can remember that my parents, we were at a park one time, and there was a rowdy group of people and language was starting to come out. And I remember my dad going over there and saying, My children are here. We were here. First, you stop the language, or you find somewhere else to go. And he was very firm on that. And my dad, you know, he was a slender, tall professor. Not aggressive at all that I saw. And yet, I remember him going there. And I thought, wow, that's really mad. That something that stayed with me. But let's think about as cursing has expanded, and its acceptance in civilized society has expanded, what has equally happened to the violence in our society. I would submit to you that it's increased. Right? We're seeing more violence within the schools, more fights, more disrespect. We've got increases in crime that's going on and violent crime. Remember how Gosh, I'm glad that it's kind of ended. But there was a while where there were kids in like New York, so a lot of the big cities. And they thought it was funny to just go and just bash someone right in the face for no reason. And they're not expecting it. And they thought it was so hysterical to watch them just go down. And so we really need to pay attention to what is going on? And is this really a benefit? Is this really good for our society? You answer that? And is this trend compatible with our desire to promote kindness and peace in our societies? Everyone is talking about, Oh, we're so divided. Oh, everyone is so angry. I don't care which side of the aisle lon, we all think that the other side of the aisle is being unreasonable and that they're rude. And they are not tolerant of other ideas. Both sides are saying the same thing. But and the truth is, they're right. Both sides are. And so how are we going to encourage people and to help them to feel listened to it's okay to listen to someone who with whom you disagree. You don't need to call them names. You don't tell them they should go die and kill themselves, which is stuff that's happening on social media. If someone sees something that you disagree with. It's amazing how I'll put up something that I think is absolutely true that it it's stated in a calm, nice manner. And yet, I'll get things back. You're a racist. You're an idiot. You're looking for violence, which is so far, people who don't even know me, they haven't even met me. And just because they disagree with something I've said somehow that makes it okay to say such awful things. I think it's not okay. So, the question is, then, what can we do instead? So So as I was teaching parenting classes for the Division of Family and Youth Services, back when we lived in Las Vegas, I did that for 16 years. And I taught all over I taught in libraries in schools at PTAs. I taught at churches and community centers. I also taught in several homeless shelters, and to women's prisons. And what was interesting to me is that I would get from parents. I know I don't want to do this. I don't want to repeat these things that my parents did. But so then what do I do instead? I know what I can't do I know what I shouldn't do. But then what do I do instead? Well, here's something then to think about with language. It's the same thing. So if I'm going to try and not do this, what am I going to do instead? Well, I can tell you that I have not always been pristine of language, as I've grown and matured. And so forever ago, when I was young, at a newlywed, I was actually a 911 dispatcher, to help my husband go through college. And I was what that's where I worked. And in a police department, it gets a little lively, colorful, even with the language, and I started picking up on some of that. And while I didn't use any of the big ones, I did spend a lot of my life using different swear words. I had three favorites. And I remember at one time, my three year old, four year old, he was for Shiloh, he dropped a plate, he had a full plate of food, I'd set him up to fail, gave him a full plate of food for him to take over to the table. And he slipped table it was food was all over the floor. And he let one of my words fly. And I'm like, shy, you should not use that word that's not okay. And what does he say? Bye, Mommy you do? Right. Hmm. He was right. And so then I had to kind of step back. And we came up with a plan to try and help. And I still struggled for a while for years, with trying to give up those swear words, it's hard to do. They're right there at the tip of your tongue, they come out and you don't even realize you've said it half the time. Right? And so it takes time to become aware of when you're swearing. What kind of words are you using? And is this something that is going to help a situation are not held. Now, I'm not saying that everyone needs to completely give it up. But I am saying that if we can tone it down. For me, I decided I wanted to give it all up all of it. And I wanted to draw closer to God. I wanted to feel that that blessings of Christ in the presence of Christ in my life. And I read in the New Testament where Christ said, Let your I don't know cursings or whatever, be gay, gay and Nene and nothing more. So he was saying we don't need to use language like that we don't need to. And so I decided I wanted to take up that challenge and try to move it out. But then, you know, yeh, doesn't quite it into a lot of situations. Right. And so I started paying attention to I remember being a kid and watching the cartoons, you know, with Sylvester the cat, and Foghorn Leghorn and some of those old, old old cartoons, and I remembered them using terms like suffering succotash, right, and jumpin Jehoshaphat and all those, well, I started use

I just started using that. And it would get people's attention. And what I found was that I had a way to really control a conversation. And it would be that humorous edge, that sometimes it would just get someone so off center that you said that they're like, What, and they would start laughing and would help deescalate a situation. And, and it's funny that as people started recognizing that I was I was that that was when I would use my curse words, right? Jumping to host the fat, you know, then they would say oh, they would curse. Oh one Sorry, I know you don't curse. It's like, I don't care what you do. I just know what I'm doing. I'm not here to control you. I'm not trying. I'm here to control me. That's all. I'm fine. But it's been kind of fun. With my kindergarten, I would have so many playground aids, right? That would come and they'd say, Boy, we can see your kids, they're easy to spot. I'm like, What's the deal? Oh, man, they are using the funniest phrases when they get upset or when they're surprised by something. And what's fun is I would have kids that would want to come up with their own. So you would hear me say, Oh, my holy cow, for the love of Pete, all those familiar phrases, and then they started coming up with their own. It's funny, I had one kid, oh, my holy cheese puffs. They would come up with things. And then they come and say, I thought of a word, and they'd be so excited to share it with me. And it really did change a lot of the atmosphere and the relationships within the classroom, just even in kindergarten, and it was a fun thing to see. I'll tell you, someone who really, really inspires me, is Colonel Potter from Mash. And so in the show notes, I actually am putting a link to a YouTube short, short YouTube video that shows some of the funny things that Colonel Potter would say when he was upset monkey muffins, that's a bunch of horse hockey, right? And, and I started with I watched several of these, and I started engaging them and rotating them through my language. And it's actually fun. I am someone who takes the Lord's name very seriously. And I believe when he says, Thou shalt not say my name in vain, I believe that. And so I've even quit with the initials that a lot of people, and I'm not saying this, I'm just telling you what I do. But I don't even use those initials, you that you'll see in text and stuff. Because I know that if I use that, that's what I'm putting into someone else's head. I don't want to be responsible that. And so if I do, it's like, Oh, my goodness, and I'll spell it out. Oh, my holy cow. That's one you'll hear a lot from me. And so I'm working not only to be responsible for my language, but I am working to be also responsible for the ideas that I put into other people's heads. But that's me, you do what you want. And so I also want you to think about, you know, we just finished a five day challenge in July of peace, five days of peace. And I want you to think about what are the things that you can do to create more peace in the world? I think this is one thing that you can do. I think that this is one thing that we can help our children to deescalate their big emotions, and not escalate. And as they curse in as they get upset. They're ramping things up. I've heard people say, Oh, I have to curse. It's what helps me get through. But why? Why is that? And if that's you, there we are. But I do think that there are some words that are so aggressive and so violent in nature, that it's not helping any situation. It's not helping any situation. And when you're looking at when you've just cut yourselves like, oh, wow, I really let it fly there. So what was going on? And what was my intention? was I trying to hurt somebody? was I trying to insult somebody? was I trying to get their attention? was I trying to make them think that I was serious? absolutely serious? And was there another way to manage that? Now this is really connected to how we manage with our kids, as well. Do we enforce boundaries? Through kindness, we can be firm, we can stand strong, without using a voice that is angry. We don't need to yell. We don't need to be demeaning to our kids. But we can get the point across by using more brainpower and by expanding their vocabulary. And that is one of the biggest things the biggest differences As with the education gap, and the learning gap is simply the vocabulary that kids start kindergarten with, or even preschool with. It's huge. You can expand that vocabulary, as kids are better able to identify their own emotions, what they're feeling, how they're angry, why they're feeling that way, what their expectations are, what it is that they're trying to accomplish with words, rather than expletives. So, I hope that helps you a little bit. I would love to connect further with you guys. I would love to hear about your family. I would love to hear about how wonderful your kids are, and, and what are some of the things that you're doing with them, to connect with them and to teach them. And then what are your dreams and goals for your family. And for your kids, I'd love to connect with you. 

And so I've got the link to my calendar. If you're watching on YouTube or Rumble, it's here on the on the screen. But it's also going to be down in the show notes for all of the format's that we're talking about. You can just call book, you'll see book me dot name, that's my calendar link. And I would love to have a conversation about what is going on in your life, and these amazing little people that are in your life. And so I hope that you'll take advantage of that. Thank you for spending this time with me, and allowing me to talk about a topic that I really feel strongly about and that I feel is going to be able to make a big difference in how we connect as a society, and to become a society that is kind and compassionate in our words and our deeds. 

So next week, I have a great guest next week. And so I hope that you'll join us, and whether it's on the podcast, or on YouTube or Rumble. Thank you so much for spending this time. It means the world to me, be sure to follow so that I know that what I'm saying is helping you and I am open to hearing what are your needs and how I can help you meet those needs and solve some of those problems and help you kind of also celebrate the things that are already going amazingly in your family with your wonderful kids. So until next week. Let's find joy in parenting. Bye, everybody.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai